turps | (no subject)

It was a psych appointment today

If you remember my last wls post the surgeon had said he'd be happy to attempt the bypass now but the psychologist had to agree. Saw him today, and he wants me to wait a while to see if I can drop more weight myself as right now I'm at the very top level weight wise where the people at the hospital would be willing to authorise the operation.

I get where he's coming from, because obviously I want to have the least risks possible before having the op, especially as dad died due to an anaesthetic, but where I was a little thrown was he suggested if I did manage to drop weight there was the possibility I could keep on doing it myself with no surgical help. And I don't know. Yes, right now I feel great, I've lost over 7 stone, 3 of that when I had the balloon, which suggests that I can do it myself. But I also know myself, things are great now but that doesn't mean they'll stay that way.

Constantly recording and counting calories, making sure I get my walking done, not eating things that I know are bad for me. It's a constant battle and I get tired of fighting it sometimes. It's so easy to slip. All it would take is my dodgy knee to go, for me to lose the plot eating wise and let go of that focus.

I mean, it's great he said he was pleased with what I've been doing, and more importantly I'm proud of myself. But what if I mess up again? What if I take my eye off the ball and end up where I was a year ago? That scares me.

I felt so good this morning, and now I'm so unsure. I guess I'll just have to have faith in myself and hope I don't let myself down. But man, that feels like a daunting task right now.

Crossposts: http://turps33.livejournal.com/1252033.html

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

anotherslashfan

*hugs* It sucks to leave a session with such a sense of uncertainty. The way you put it in your entry, though, it sounds to me like he was trying to stress that most of the weight loss was accomplished by you, day by day, and that you did the important work that made the real difference?

But your fear of slipping up is very, very understandable. Hope you can regain your equilibrium soon.

From:

turps

I think you're right. He was trying to stress that, I was just so thrown when he suggested extra time, as all along I've been following a certain path and have met all the goals given. The next point on the path should have been him agreeing to the op, so it was a surprise when that didn't happen.

I do get why he's said that, and it probably is a good idea to wait a while. It's just that fear of failure has reared up. But, it does help to write things out and talk about it, so thank you for replying. You made me think again.

From:

anotherslashfan

Well I've got to admit I'm also slightly annoyed/angry on your behalf. Telling you to wait and then prolonging the waiting period to maybe never having the op? Not really a good way of softening the blow of having your plan A not work out the way you wanted.

From:

pensnest

I think you should have faith in yourself—you have already achieved a fantastic amount. Do you keep some kind of progress diary? If you look back on where you were a month ago, three months ago, etc, that should be pretty encouraging!

If you can avoid surgery, that's probably a really good thing. There are always risks associated with it, as you've noted—and also, hospitals are nasty, germ-filled places that are best stayed out of if possible. You don't want to end up with MRSA or some such. Very unpleasant. In any case, even if you do end up having the surgery, reducing the risks for yourself is an excellent idea. There are lots of people around who love you and don't want to lose you. Trust me on that!

The battle is... tiring. It really is. And you were probably looking forward to being cleared for surgery because that gives someone else a chance to carry the burden for a while—you can relax and let the surgeon do it. And now you're faced with having to slog on by yourself when you thought you'd get a rest. It has to be a bit scary.

I think, though, that the psychologist is paying you a real compliment—he can see that you *can* do this, because you *are* doing it. It's perfectly reasonable to be worried about messing up, but you know, one [insert weakness of choice] isn't going to mean total failure, you just have to forgive yourself and get back on track. I hope you believe that.

From:

glitteryv

I understand how frustrating it must be to be expecting a thumbs up (approval for surgery) from the psych doctor only to get a "how about you give it more time?" response instead.

My hope is that you don't forget all the hard work you've done during this time. Yes, there's always the fear of failure and, yes, putting things in pause when you're eager for the go ahead might make you muppet!face.

You know yourself better than anyone and there's nothing wrong with letting your psych doctor know that you can compromise on waiting a bit longer with the intention of eventually having the surgery. AND THEN, plan at a realistic date so that you know what your immediate goal can be.

Learning how to live healthily IS deffo a constant struggle and it's so easy to get disheartened, but I believe you can do this and so do many other people. You are doing really great, honey *hugs you v., v. tight*

From:

eledhwenlin

*hugs*

I can understand how unsettling it must have been today--you went into that appointment fully expecting that you could proceed with the next big step and to suddenly be confronted with another "obstacle" can't have been easy.

But I also see this as a great compliment to yourself: he thinks that you're on the right way and that you can continue on this way without having to rely on the crutch of getting a bypass. He believes in you and I think you should also give yourself that: credit yourself for all you've accomplished. Because yeah, the balloon did help, but it, like the bypass, was merely a crutch, y'know? The rest came all from you. You could've gotten that balloon and still chosen to eat unhealthy things and to not walk. But you did and that shows that you have the spirit and power in you to continue this work.

Because you're on a good way! And maybe you can take that as a chance to look at why you're afraid. Because, honestly, losing weight is hard. It's difficult to choose to eat that and not this; it takes effort to decide to walk/exercise today even though it's been such a long day already and the couch is tempting you to sit down. Those things won't necessarily become easier when/if you have surgery, and it might be worthwhile to take a good hard look at them now.

Because let's be real: all of us slip up. My plans to exercise crashed spectacularly because I had the cramps from hell. I was going well with not eating chocolate until this past weekend. The important thing is to not throw in the towel now, but to pick yourself back up and continue as if that mishap had never happened. Maybe you would feel more secure if you made plans what to do in case that happens? Like monitoring your food is hard, is there anything you could to make this easier? You're worried about your knee, is there maybe some other exercise you could do where you're not dependent on your knee? Those are just some suggestions.

I have full faith in you. And if you get tired of the fighting and you need some kind words, you know where we are and we will always be here to show you support and offer you some strength when you find you're in need of it. <333

From:

turlough

I don't feel very articulate tonight so I can only agree with what everyone else has already said. *sends ALL the good thoughts*

From:

sperrywink

Yeah, maintaining healthy habits is a full time job. That is why I have so much trouble with it too. But I am told it gets easier to manage the longer you do it? I've never reached that point, but you might find that things become more habits than not.

I do get the frustration with the psych doctor. He kind of changed the goal post on you- a classic bait and switch. You thought you were reaching a closer goal, and now he has set it into the future further. That is annoying, and I think, if you have a good rapport with this psych, you might mention it to him. You can frame it in not wanting to backslide, but also admit you were psyched for the closer goal, and now he has made it that much harder-feeling.

Faith in yourself is critical, but I also think you have to remind yourself it isn't a linear line towards your goal. You might mess up one day, one meal, one minute, one second, but that doesn't have to mean you give up. Allow yourself minute failures and work towards the longer goal, whatever it ends up being. I know you can pick yourself up again, and feel free to turn to me for encouragement. I am all set to cheer you on!

From:

wenchpixie

It's a constant battle and I get tired of fighting it sometimes. I hear you, so very, very much. It's exhausting - but you're winning the fight right now, and maybe your doc can see that from talking to you? People can tell, I think, when it's more or less of a fight, and if it's less of a fight for you right now then perhaps waiting and letting you have a bit more time to pull yourself into a safer zone for the operation is better?

You're doing so incredibly right now - I am, honestly, very full of admiration for you - and I absolutely get why you feel like you've maybe been shoved down a different road than you were expecting, but perhaps it'll end up being a nicer road for you? I have faith in you - and even if the very worst happens and you do lose your way, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing, you can pull it back ♥

From:

rikes

What a frustrating situation when you had such a clear a goal in sight and that's now changed.*hugs*

From:

ephemera

*hugs*

*more hugs*

From:

turps

Thank you ♥

From:

turps

Frustrating is right. But, onwards and upwards. It's all I can do.

Thank you.

From:

turps

I hear you, so very, very much. It's exhausting - but you're winning the fight right now, and maybe your doc can see that from talking to you? People can tell, I think, when it's more or less of a fight, and if it's less of a fight for you right now then perhaps waiting and letting you have a bit more time to pull yourself into a safer zone for the operation is better?

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Not just the part I quoted but for it all.

I've thought a lot about what he said this week, and all the comments to the post made me think more, and I suspect you're right. It is better to wait until I'm in a safer zone, and I think he does see that right now I'm okay plugging on by myself. Yeah, I did have a blip on Monday when I lost confidence in myself, but I am doing it, and can continue to do it alone for a while longer.

Whatever happens, I do feel good right now. I need to hold onto that, and if I have a bad day and make bad decisions, which I will, not get discouraged.

Again. Thank you.