(no subject)

I'm working myself into a major mood right now. James just phoned, he's been out with my mam, it's midnight and he's just coming back now. Phoned then started complaining because I hadn't made him something to eat. Then I've just been hit by a virus. Norton caught it but still... I also want to creep away from that mailing list before I'm told again how bad my characterization is.

I know I'll wake in the morning and just think fuck them, but now, now I'm gonna wallow in misery.

Drama Queen

Reading my last posts I see that I kinda over reacted. I think I might regret having this LJ if I vent into it for the world to see. I still feel what I feel, but it's not the end of the world.

Despite what other people might think, I still like what I write. I know it's not the greatest. I have much improving to do, but it certainly doesn't suck.

Saying that I've been thinking about TS no go's. OTP, deathfic ha I laugh in their face. I wrote the below just to make me feel better. Yeah the characterization is bad, Blair isn't as selfish, Jim not so dependant but who cares, not me. If you do torture yourself and read on, be aware this is me un betaed and writing in a hurry.

~*~*~*~

I never thought it would come to this, sitting, waiting for the end. I’m James Ellison, detective, sentinel former ranger. I’m supposed to go out with a bang, not a whimper, with a bottle of whiskey at my side. I can smell the alcohol that’s seeping into the wood from the upturned bottle. I should clean it up, but why bother? It’s not like it’ll bother me soon.

Yeah, I know that’ll shock you Chief, me the king of anal tidiness letting stuff spill on the floor. But you know what? I don’t care anymore. I haven’t felt anything for a long time, not since you dropped your bombshell then walked away.

Did you ever suspect what I felt for you? You’ve never said anything, but you had to have known. I don’t touch anyone as often as you, I love the feel of your skin, you always feel so alive. Just touching you is a sensual treat for me. Even if we’d never be more than friends the hugs and touches kept me going.

God reading that I was so pathetic, living my life round you. Not staying with women because you were the one that I wanted. Defending you against all odds, I would have died for you, now ironically I’m gonna die because of you.

I don’t really blame you for this mess, you’re you. The same you’ve always been. I knew what you were like, have known for years. I know that you love me, but I also know that you strung me along for years. Never came out and said, Jim, look I know you want me, but it isn’t going to happen, get on with your life. No you wanted to be number one with me, and you were, always.

I knew that Chief and let it happen, so don’t take all the guilt for this…god I’m getting sleepy, I hope I can finish this in time.

We’ve lived through a lot of shit, the diss, Alex, you leaving the academy, and I stuck by you, always. Even when I had to ride a desk most of the time as I didn’t have you as a back up. I know you have your own life, but it hurt that once you finished your diss on Sentinels you seemed to move on. I wasn’t as important.

Suppose it’s like kids, they get sick of their toys after a while. Was that what I was to you Chief, a toy to examine?

That isn’t what caused this though. Have you guessed what yet? You probably have, you’re a smart guy after all. All these years, and not once did you tell me you swung both ways. Just went for a date one night and came home smelling of semen and lube, far too much of both to have been a woman.

I wanted to ask you then who it was, but I didn’t. God I wish I’d never found out. Do you know how I discovered who it was? H told me, yeah told me how happy his partner was now that he was finally dating you. That Rafe had been lusting after you for years and finally you’d looked his way.

I never thought it was possible to die inside until that day. You’re gay, and had never told me. H knew, Rafe obviously knew, and there was me, your partner, your friend, your sentinel and I fucking didn’t know.

I watched after that and soon saw he was telling the truth. The looks and touches are obvious if you’re looking for them. You’ll have to watch that Chief. Even if you are just a visitor to Major Crime Simon won’t be happy with PDA’s.

It’s been what, five months now, and you’re happy, I know that. I heard you talking last night. You’re leaving the loft to move in with Rafe soon. I’m glad that you are -- please believe that -- I want you to be happy, and I know with Rafe you can be.

Damn I’m tired…good job there’s not much more to say.

I wish you the best, but you have to know, without you I’m nothing. I know if you’d moved out and saw how I reacted you’d have moved back in, and that’s wrong. I don’t want you tied to me in some kinda obscene bond. You need your own life, and if that’s not with me, well I don’t like it, but I want you to be happy.

I know you’ll be sad, maybe even grief stricken at first. But just think about it, I did this for you. So if I have to ask you one thing, do this for me. Live your life, be happy and know one thing. Blair, I loved you and always will.

Fuck, I’m so tired; who knew this would happen so fast. I’m going to lie down now, pull the afghan that’s comforted us so many times over me. It smells of you, so if you wonder why I died with a smile on my face, remember my last thoughts will be of you.

Love you Blair.
Jim.