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Jul. 24th, 2018 09:15 amTomorrow it's four weeks since mam died. Those four weeks have been a nightmare.
We had the funeral. I can't really remember much about it to be honest. Just there was a hold up with the service before so for 15 minutes we had to sit in the passenger hearse at the crematorium looking at mam's casket in the vehicle in front.
At one point I thought Kayleigh would have to be physically carried in, Corey held my hand throughout, we left yellow roses on mam's willow casket -- willow picnic basket we actually called it. She said she wanted willow and we didn't want traditional wood -- and it looked good with yellow themed flowers in swags on the handles. The curtains didn't close, which was good.
As mam lived in a council house we had to completely clear it, and handed the keys in last Monday. That sucked. So so much. Especially so as my brother had gone away on a fortnight's holiday a few days before mam's death and decided not to come back early. That actually led to a lot of upset and while we're okay now, I still think he could have come back after a week at least as it was left to me and Kayleigh to arrange and do everything. He was great after the funeral, arranging his works van to move all the big furniture and appliances over two days, but we needed him there well before that. Plus, it meant he got no say in the funeral at all.
Having to go through mam's things was the worse thing I've ever done. She'd been in that house coming up to 30 years, it had three bedrooms, and after they'd taken her disability benefits off her, and she'd got them back, she'd made the decision that she'd never have savings in the bank again, so used to spend her money online shopping. We had to get rid of so many clothes, most still with tags, bulk buys of things like bleach. There was just so much, and some people didn't help. Kayleigh asked on Facebook if anyone would take clothes for charity, but not the shops in our local town as we didn't want to see mam's clothes in the windows, and people replied saying how they should go there as we'd be supporting local shops, or that we should offer them to mam's friends. Which yeah, in an ideal world maybe, but we literally had weeks to clear the house and deal with and arrange the funeral at the same time.
There's so much I could say about this last month. Having to get mam's cat settled at Kayleigh's house, the constant phone calls to tell people mam had died in order to close down accounts. It's nearly a month and I still can't believe she's gone, and when I'm reminded it's like I've been thumped hard in the chest. I miss her. So so much. She was such a huge part of my life, and now she's gone.
( Cut for talk of death )
One thing this has made me do is de-clutter. The thought of Corey having to deal with all the crap in this house has had me de-cluttering like crazy. It doesn't help that I've a lot of stuff from mam's, and still have things that came here from nanna. It's why we had to get brutal with mam's stuff at the end and throw out loads, because it's just not possible to take everything. Plus, we're sorting out more life insurance for me and James. Thankfully mam had enough we could comfortably pay for her funeral. Without that we would have been screwed.
This is too long already, so to end. Thank you again to everyone who sent emails, cards, gifts etc. I've started to respond. That's going slowly, but know being thought of meant the world. While I'm not okay yet, people keep saying time will heal, and I'm holding onto that. I guess it's all you can do, really.
We had the funeral. I can't really remember much about it to be honest. Just there was a hold up with the service before so for 15 minutes we had to sit in the passenger hearse at the crematorium looking at mam's casket in the vehicle in front.
At one point I thought Kayleigh would have to be physically carried in, Corey held my hand throughout, we left yellow roses on mam's willow casket -- willow picnic basket we actually called it. She said she wanted willow and we didn't want traditional wood -- and it looked good with yellow themed flowers in swags on the handles. The curtains didn't close, which was good.
As mam lived in a council house we had to completely clear it, and handed the keys in last Monday. That sucked. So so much. Especially so as my brother had gone away on a fortnight's holiday a few days before mam's death and decided not to come back early. That actually led to a lot of upset and while we're okay now, I still think he could have come back after a week at least as it was left to me and Kayleigh to arrange and do everything. He was great after the funeral, arranging his works van to move all the big furniture and appliances over two days, but we needed him there well before that. Plus, it meant he got no say in the funeral at all.
Having to go through mam's things was the worse thing I've ever done. She'd been in that house coming up to 30 years, it had three bedrooms, and after they'd taken her disability benefits off her, and she'd got them back, she'd made the decision that she'd never have savings in the bank again, so used to spend her money online shopping. We had to get rid of so many clothes, most still with tags, bulk buys of things like bleach. There was just so much, and some people didn't help. Kayleigh asked on Facebook if anyone would take clothes for charity, but not the shops in our local town as we didn't want to see mam's clothes in the windows, and people replied saying how they should go there as we'd be supporting local shops, or that we should offer them to mam's friends. Which yeah, in an ideal world maybe, but we literally had weeks to clear the house and deal with and arrange the funeral at the same time.
There's so much I could say about this last month. Having to get mam's cat settled at Kayleigh's house, the constant phone calls to tell people mam had died in order to close down accounts. It's nearly a month and I still can't believe she's gone, and when I'm reminded it's like I've been thumped hard in the chest. I miss her. So so much. She was such a huge part of my life, and now she's gone.
( Cut for talk of death )
One thing this has made me do is de-clutter. The thought of Corey having to deal with all the crap in this house has had me de-cluttering like crazy. It doesn't help that I've a lot of stuff from mam's, and still have things that came here from nanna. It's why we had to get brutal with mam's stuff at the end and throw out loads, because it's just not possible to take everything. Plus, we're sorting out more life insurance for me and James. Thankfully mam had enough we could comfortably pay for her funeral. Without that we would have been screwed.
This is too long already, so to end. Thank you again to everyone who sent emails, cards, gifts etc. I've started to respond. That's going slowly, but know being thought of meant the world. While I'm not okay yet, people keep saying time will heal, and I'm holding onto that. I guess it's all you can do, really.
