(no subject)

[turps]

Tomorrow it's four weeks since mam died. Those four weeks have been a nightmare.

We had the funeral. I can't really remember much about it to be honest. Just there was a hold up with the service before so for 15 minutes we had to sit in the passenger hearse at the crematorium looking at mam's casket in the vehicle in front.

At one point I thought Kayleigh would have to be physically carried in, Corey held my hand throughout, we left yellow roses on mam's willow casket -- willow picnic basket we actually called it. She said she wanted willow and we didn't want traditional wood -- and it looked good with yellow themed flowers in swags on the handles. The curtains didn't close, which was good.

As mam lived in a council house we had to completely clear it, and handed the keys in last Monday. That sucked. So so much. Especially so as my brother had gone away on a fortnight's holiday a few days before mam's death and decided not to come back early. That actually led to a lot of upset and while we're okay now, I still think he could have come back after a week at least as it was left to me and Kayleigh to arrange and do everything. He was great after the funeral, arranging his works van to move all the big furniture and appliances over two days, but we needed him there well before that. Plus, it meant he got no say in the funeral at all.

Having to go through mam's things was the worse thing I've ever done. She'd been in that house coming up to 30 years, it had three bedrooms, and after they'd taken her disability benefits off her, and she'd got them back, she'd made the decision that she'd never have savings in the bank again, so used to spend her money online shopping. We had to get rid of so many clothes, most still with tags, bulk buys of things like bleach. There was just so much, and some people didn't help. Kayleigh asked on Facebook if anyone would take clothes for charity, but not the shops in our local town as we didn't want to see mam's clothes in the windows, and people replied saying how they should go there as we'd be supporting local shops, or that we should offer them to mam's friends. Which yeah, in an ideal world maybe, but we literally had weeks to clear the house and deal with and arrange the funeral at the same time.

There's so much I could say about this last month. Having to get mam's cat settled at Kayleigh's house, the constant phone calls to tell people mam had died in order to close down accounts. It's nearly a month and I still can't believe she's gone, and when I'm reminded it's like I've been thumped hard in the chest. I miss her. So so much. She was such a huge part of my life, and now she's gone.



I learned mam had died 6:30 am on the 27th of June. Kayleigh had called in at mam's before work and found her. She called my mobile and also the house phone, leaving a message which she said was nothing but screaming. I've never heard that, I think James deleted it and I'm glad.

Mam had been active on FB at 11 the evening before, and her opposite neighbour had seen her pottering around her bedroom after midnight. When Kayleigh found her her hair was tidy and pulled back in a nice ponytail, she was wearing her teeth, and all the controls for the tv were neatly by her side on the bed. She'd been writing me a text message saying her heart was racing and her oxygen levels had dropped, but never sent it. We don't think she was panicked as she would have called me or Kayleigh if that was the case. It just looked like she'd started to type, got tired, lay down and went. Megan, her cat, was lying next to her when Kayleigh arrived.

We were supposed to take her to a doctor's appointment that day and she had a habit of waking very early and then taking naps in the afternoon. We'd taken her to a chest specialist on the Monday and he was happy with her, there was no indication at all she'd die within a day. Later I even talked to her doctor asking about the results we'd been going to discuss on that Wednesday, and they'd been okay. There was no reason she should have died that night, but she did.

If you've been around a while you'll know we had a difficult relationship with mam at times. She wasn't an easy woman, and could be horribly resentful. We used to walk on egg shells around her often, and she's said and done things that were horrible, without ever realising she'd done so. But she also loved us all, was funny, supportive and just, she was my mam, and that meant everything.

She was diagnosed with Lupus when she had my brother, so over 40 years ago, and suffered badly due to that. Lupus isn't just a running joke on House, it's a horrible, painful condition that really isn't researched enough. Sadly mam made bad decisions and tried to cope using alcohol, leading to bad relationships and things like attempted self harm. I don't think she ever realised how much her drinking affected us all, and by the time she stopped, her health was so bad she couldn't really get her life back.

She also had terrible mental health issues and had been on anti depression tablets and sleeping tablets since I was a child, and yet the doctors never reviewed that or offered any help with counselling until the last few years, when mam was so bogged down it did no good. It was too little too late and she got the tumour on her lung on top of COPD and many other issues.

She didn't have an easy life, and had fallen out with all of her family apart from me and Kayleigh. Her and Chris hadn't talked for over a year, and though he held out an olive branch at Christmas she didn't take it. But she adored Corey, loved James and Kayleigh's partners, was supportive and ridiculously generous. I also believe she loved Chris, just she was so stubborn that she'd never make the move to make up.

Reading this it feels all bad and little good. But it wasn't like that. Yeah, the bad times were bad, but there were lots of good. I keep saying it, but she was mam, and I'll love her forever.



One thing this has made me do is de-clutter. The thought of Corey having to deal with all the crap in this house has had me de-cluttering like crazy. It doesn't help that I've a lot of stuff from mam's, and still have things that came here from nanna. It's why we had to get brutal with mam's stuff at the end and throw out loads, because it's just not possible to take everything. Plus, we're sorting out more life insurance for me and James. Thankfully mam had enough we could comfortably pay for her funeral. Without that we would have been screwed.

This is too long already, so to end. Thank you again to everyone who sent emails, cards, gifts etc. I've started to respond. That's going slowly, but know being thought of meant the world. While I'm not okay yet, people keep saying time will heal, and I'm holding onto that. I guess it's all you can do, really.

Comments

[sperrywink]

You know you are in my thoughts and I am sending all the love I can.

I think this is a lovely tribute to your Mam.

But I hear you on the decluttering. My Mom doesn't online shop, but she does QVC (the TV shopping channel?) which is just as bad. We find unopened packages everywhere.

So yes, I haven't had time to declutter yet and go through the storage unit, but it is on my list.

[turps]

I do know that ♥

And thank you.

Oh man, I feel you on the unopened packages. Mam had so many of them, too. It's sad because it was such a waste of money, but the buying obviously made her feel better at the time.

I'm being ruthless with my decluttering. I have to because my house is crammed right now. You know it's small anyway so I really can't keep a load of stuff that doesn't get used.

[dine]

you're right in the middle of the hard stuff - just the physical need to clear out and cope, as well as dealing with all the emotions. take the time you need to be careful of yourself and loved ones. do nice things and when you can, find something interesting/fun to distract for a moment. time helps, this is true - after a while it's not such an immediate pain, but the loss is always with one on some level.

[turps]

This middle period sucks.

I've started to try and get back to 'normal' life, and ended up crying at the cinema when I left the screen and mam hadn't texted while I was in there, something she always did. And then felt guilty for laughing on an amusement ride I'd gone on.

But, I'm hanging on and waiting for time to do its thing.

[topaz119]

Terri -- I’m so sorry to hear about your mam. I lost my mom a few years ago, in much of a similar fashion—I’d chatted with her in the afternoon & my brother had seen her in the evening and then during the night (she was actually in the hospital for an infection) she said hello to the night shift nurse and an hour later she was gone. She just laid down and went to sleep and that was it.

I’m glad James and your sister were there with you (and your brother, in his own fashion) and I’m glad your mom was stubborn enough to keep going through her depression and chronic illness so that she and Corey could know each other.

The decluttering is key, because it was hard to go through Mom’s house, but she and my dad had been clearing things out for years -- it had been awful after my dad's mother passed away and we had to clear out her house. She kept *everything* -- my aunts found giant trash bags full of material scraps (she had been an amazing seamstress) that had bits of dresses she’d sewn for them in school, twenty and thirty years earlier.

I am re-dedicating myself to getting things sorted around my house. It's just so easy to turn around and have it all stuffed to the attics.

[turps]

That does sound very similar. And the thing is, people keep saying that's a good way to die, and logically I agree it is. But I still want to yell, but she still died. That can never be good. At least I'm past the point where I want to punch people in the face for asking if I'm okay. That wasn't fun.

Yeah, mam was a stubborn one. It worked against her in some ways, but also meant she kept plugging on despite the issues stacked against her.

That keeping of everything is familiar. It's so daunting being faced with a lifetime of stuff, and it's just not possible to keep it all. I had that discussion with my sister when faced with things mam had kept from her own mam. Just how many generations can you keep holding onto things? Nothing valuable, just things with sentimental value to others that mean nothing to you.


I am re-dedicating myself to getting things sorted around my house. It's just so easy to turn around and have it all stuffed to the attics.

It really is. Good luck with your own efforts.

[glitteryv]

Oh, T., parental deaths are tough.

I had about 3 days to clear my dad's condo after his passing. Thankfully, my mom (who was his ex-wife) and three of my aunts helpede go thru his stuff and clean up his place.

It was weird AF. But, the thing that really messed me up was going thru his social media and email accounts. I was pretty much mortified and anxious about it.

Though I know it sounds trite and repetitive, you just have to give it time for the pain to lessen. <3

Also, yes, I've always told my peeps to get their affairs in order (despite of how morning it might sound when (general) you are in your 40s or younger.)

You and yours are in my thoughts.

[turps]

They really, really are.

Three days is rough, we had just over a fortnight, and that didn't seem nearly enough.

But, the thing that really messed me up was going thru his social media and email accounts. I was pretty much mortified and anxious about it.

Yeah, I totally get that. Mam was a huge FB user and used messenger a lot. It felt so wrong going through her accounts, not helped that when she got in bad moods she'd say some very harsh things about us, and I really didn't want to read that.

You've also reminded me of having to drive like crazy to Newcastle as mam's friends had learned she'd died and wanted to post tributes on FB before we'd had a chance to let Corey know. I'm just glad they'd asked first as him finding out that way would have been horrible. But even so, surely you should wait until family have posted before doing stuff like that?

It always comes down to time, sometimes I wish it would hurry up so it doesn't hurt so much. But at the same time, I don't want to start to forget her.

Getting your affairs in order is so important, I learned that after dad's death. But mam's has made me realise the more insuarnce the better. It's not nice to think about, but something that really should be done.

Thank you ♥

[i_amthecosmos]

I know how you feel about the funeral. At least we didn't have much to clean out when my dad died, since mom still lives there. She gave us some things, books I'd bought dad and he never read. I still haven't read them myself.

[turps]

The funeral is a blur now with a few flashes of memories.

I can understand not reading those books. It's such a hard thing to deal with.

[i_amthecosmos]

The only thing I remember clearly is after the funeral and burial, we went to the church after for lunch. My mom's church buddies cooked it all, and I remember not seeing any diet drinks. And I've got diabetes, so I got angry. Like, more than I should have.

I didn't act up, I just asked for some water. But that was the only emotion that made it through the numbness.

[frausorge]

*hugs* It sounds very rough for it to have happened so suddenly. May your grieving go with you as lightly as possible.

[turps]

It was so unexpected. We knew she was ill, but at that point there really was no indication she could die any time soon.

Thank you.

[chalcopyrite]

So, so many hugs for you and yours, Terri. Having to deal with logistics while grieving is so hard, and I'm really sorry you had to deal with clearing the house in such a short timeframe.

It does get better, but it takes a lot of time. Cut yourself slack, and don't worry about how you "should" be feeling. ♥

[turps]

Having to deal with logistics has sucked. There seemed to be so much to do and sort out. And it still hasn't ended, I keep getting mail with yet more accounts needing shut down etc. Though the only one being arsey and wanting proof of death is a catalogue one. Go figure.

Thank you.

[wenchpixie]

<3 You remain in my thoughts<3 <3


ALL your feelings are valid - always, but especially right now. You're processing a shit tonne right now, and such a lot of it is super hard.

[turps]

And I'm very grateful for that.

Thank you.

[madam_beetroot]

I am really thinking of you, this must be so hard on both a practical and emotional level. . I can well remember that feeling of total shock and nothing would ever be the same after my dad died. Please allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, and be kind to yourself.

The book may be helpful, it is on the Reading Well scheme which means it has been recommended by doctors and people with lived experiences.

The essential guide to life after bereavement by Kauffmann and Jordan.

[turps]

Thank you for that recommendation, I've been checking it out and will be buying. Not just for me but for Kayleigh as it's hit her terribly hard, too.

I can well remember that feeling of total shock and nothing would ever be the same

It's a horrible feeling. That knowledge that the change is a permanent one, and can never be reversed.

Thank you also for your card and most importantly, what you said inside. It was one of the first that arrived, and such a comfort when I was barely making it through the days.

[madam_beetroot]

I'm glad you think the book might be useful. Much love ❤️

[buddleia]

❤️❤️❤️
This sounds so hard. Thinking of you.

[turps]

It really is hard.

Thank you.

[eledhwenlin]

*hugs tightly*

[turps]

Thank you.

[brandywine28]

I really, really wish I could do more than just send hugs and condolences. My heart is breaking for you, hon. I'm so sorry.

I was just a kid when my dad died, and nothing about that time was easy, but honestly, I can't imagine how much harder it would've been if I'd been expected to Adult AND mourn at the same time. No one was looking to me to sign forms or call people or empty out entire apartment units; everyone around me just pretty much let me be.

Not that I'm comparing! It'd be a pretty useless comparison to make. Losing a parent is the worst, no matter what your age. But reading about everything you've been through this past month and all the minutia that fell into your lap was, well. I'm agog.

Ugh. *hugs*

[turps]

Those hugs and condolences help, honestly.

I was just talking about this with my sister yesterday. How it's easier to write down what I'm feeling that say it out loud. She's the same, I learned so much more about her fears via her facebook comments and posts. So it helps loads to know people are out there reading and thinking of us.

Losing a parent does suck. I know it's not possible but I wish everyone could go through life without knowing the feeling.

[ephemera]

Oh, my goodness, having to clear her home so swiftly, on top of the funeral and just processing such a sudden passing must have been - and continue to be - so hard. Much love, my lady. You are so strong, keeping on keeping on, and feeling your feelings.

[turps]

It's been the worst few weeks ever. Sometimes I look back and wonder how we got everything done. Then remember the 7am starts and getting home after 10, and realise that yeah, that's how we did it.

Thank you ♥

[turlough]

I have no words to express how much I feel for you and everything you're going through right now. I think of you and James and Corey every day. *hugs you long and hard*

[turps]

Thank you for that.

It's hard, and it will be for a long time I know.