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Jul. 24th, 2018 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
turpsTomorrow it's four weeks since mam died. Those four weeks have been a nightmare.
We had the funeral. I can't really remember much about it to be honest. Just there was a hold up with the service before so for 15 minutes we had to sit in the passenger hearse at the crematorium looking at mam's casket in the vehicle in front.
At one point I thought Kayleigh would have to be physically carried in, Corey held my hand throughout, we left yellow roses on mam's willow casket -- willow picnic basket we actually called it. She said she wanted willow and we didn't want traditional wood -- and it looked good with yellow themed flowers in swags on the handles. The curtains didn't close, which was good.
As mam lived in a council house we had to completely clear it, and handed the keys in last Monday. That sucked. So so much. Especially so as my brother had gone away on a fortnight's holiday a few days before mam's death and decided not to come back early. That actually led to a lot of upset and while we're okay now, I still think he could have come back after a week at least as it was left to me and Kayleigh to arrange and do everything. He was great after the funeral, arranging his works van to move all the big furniture and appliances over two days, but we needed him there well before that. Plus, it meant he got no say in the funeral at all.
Having to go through mam's things was the worse thing I've ever done. She'd been in that house coming up to 30 years, it had three bedrooms, and after they'd taken her disability benefits off her, and she'd got them back, she'd made the decision that she'd never have savings in the bank again, so used to spend her money online shopping. We had to get rid of so many clothes, most still with tags, bulk buys of things like bleach. There was just so much, and some people didn't help. Kayleigh asked on Facebook if anyone would take clothes for charity, but not the shops in our local town as we didn't want to see mam's clothes in the windows, and people replied saying how they should go there as we'd be supporting local shops, or that we should offer them to mam's friends. Which yeah, in an ideal world maybe, but we literally had weeks to clear the house and deal with and arrange the funeral at the same time.
There's so much I could say about this last month. Having to get mam's cat settled at Kayleigh's house, the constant phone calls to tell people mam had died in order to close down accounts. It's nearly a month and I still can't believe she's gone, and when I'm reminded it's like I've been thumped hard in the chest. I miss her. So so much. She was such a huge part of my life, and now she's gone.
I learned mam had died 6:30 am on the 27th of June. Kayleigh had called in at mam's before work and found her. She called my mobile and also the house phone, leaving a message which she said was nothing but screaming. I've never heard that, I think James deleted it and I'm glad.
Mam had been active on FB at 11 the evening before, and her opposite neighbour had seen her pottering around her bedroom after midnight. When Kayleigh found her her hair was tidy and pulled back in a nice ponytail, she was wearing her teeth, and all the controls for the tv were neatly by her side on the bed. She'd been writing me a text message saying her heart was racing and her oxygen levels had dropped, but never sent it. We don't think she was panicked as she would have called me or Kayleigh if that was the case. It just looked like she'd started to type, got tired, lay down and went. Megan, her cat, was lying next to her when Kayleigh arrived.
We were supposed to take her to a doctor's appointment that day and she had a habit of waking very early and then taking naps in the afternoon. We'd taken her to a chest specialist on the Monday and he was happy with her, there was no indication at all she'd die within a day. Later I even talked to her doctor asking about the results we'd been going to discuss on that Wednesday, and they'd been okay. There was no reason she should have died that night, but she did.
If you've been around a while you'll know we had a difficult relationship with mam at times. She wasn't an easy woman, and could be horribly resentful. We used to walk on egg shells around her often, and she's said and done things that were horrible, without ever realising she'd done so. But she also loved us all, was funny, supportive and just, she was my mam, and that meant everything.
She was diagnosed with Lupus when she had my brother, so over 40 years ago, and suffered badly due to that. Lupus isn't just a running joke on House, it's a horrible, painful condition that really isn't researched enough. Sadly mam made bad decisions and tried to cope using alcohol, leading to bad relationships and things like attempted self harm. I don't think she ever realised how much her drinking affected us all, and by the time she stopped, her health was so bad she couldn't really get her life back.
She also had terrible mental health issues and had been on anti depression tablets and sleeping tablets since I was a child, and yet the doctors never reviewed that or offered any help with counselling until the last few years, when mam was so bogged down it did no good. It was too little too late and she got the tumour on her lung on top of COPD and many other issues.
She didn't have an easy life, and had fallen out with all of her family apart from me and Kayleigh. Her and Chris hadn't talked for over a year, and though he held out an olive branch at Christmas she didn't take it. But she adored Corey, loved James and Kayleigh's partners, was supportive and ridiculously generous. I also believe she loved Chris, just she was so stubborn that she'd never make the move to make up.
Reading this it feels all bad and little good. But it wasn't like that. Yeah, the bad times were bad, but there were lots of good. I keep saying it, but she was mam, and I'll love her forever.
One thing this has made me do is de-clutter. The thought of Corey having to deal with all the crap in this house has had me de-cluttering like crazy. It doesn't help that I've a lot of stuff from mam's, and still have things that came here from nanna. It's why we had to get brutal with mam's stuff at the end and throw out loads, because it's just not possible to take everything. Plus, we're sorting out more life insurance for me and James. Thankfully mam had enough we could comfortably pay for her funeral. Without that we would have been screwed.
This is too long already, so to end. Thank you again to everyone who sent emails, cards, gifts etc. I've started to respond. That's going slowly, but know being thought of meant the world. While I'm not okay yet, people keep saying time will heal, and I'm holding onto that. I guess it's all you can do, really.
We had the funeral. I can't really remember much about it to be honest. Just there was a hold up with the service before so for 15 minutes we had to sit in the passenger hearse at the crematorium looking at mam's casket in the vehicle in front.
At one point I thought Kayleigh would have to be physically carried in, Corey held my hand throughout, we left yellow roses on mam's willow casket -- willow picnic basket we actually called it. She said she wanted willow and we didn't want traditional wood -- and it looked good with yellow themed flowers in swags on the handles. The curtains didn't close, which was good.
As mam lived in a council house we had to completely clear it, and handed the keys in last Monday. That sucked. So so much. Especially so as my brother had gone away on a fortnight's holiday a few days before mam's death and decided not to come back early. That actually led to a lot of upset and while we're okay now, I still think he could have come back after a week at least as it was left to me and Kayleigh to arrange and do everything. He was great after the funeral, arranging his works van to move all the big furniture and appliances over two days, but we needed him there well before that. Plus, it meant he got no say in the funeral at all.
Having to go through mam's things was the worse thing I've ever done. She'd been in that house coming up to 30 years, it had three bedrooms, and after they'd taken her disability benefits off her, and she'd got them back, she'd made the decision that she'd never have savings in the bank again, so used to spend her money online shopping. We had to get rid of so many clothes, most still with tags, bulk buys of things like bleach. There was just so much, and some people didn't help. Kayleigh asked on Facebook if anyone would take clothes for charity, but not the shops in our local town as we didn't want to see mam's clothes in the windows, and people replied saying how they should go there as we'd be supporting local shops, or that we should offer them to mam's friends. Which yeah, in an ideal world maybe, but we literally had weeks to clear the house and deal with and arrange the funeral at the same time.
There's so much I could say about this last month. Having to get mam's cat settled at Kayleigh's house, the constant phone calls to tell people mam had died in order to close down accounts. It's nearly a month and I still can't believe she's gone, and when I'm reminded it's like I've been thumped hard in the chest. I miss her. So so much. She was such a huge part of my life, and now she's gone.
I learned mam had died 6:30 am on the 27th of June. Kayleigh had called in at mam's before work and found her. She called my mobile and also the house phone, leaving a message which she said was nothing but screaming. I've never heard that, I think James deleted it and I'm glad.
Mam had been active on FB at 11 the evening before, and her opposite neighbour had seen her pottering around her bedroom after midnight. When Kayleigh found her her hair was tidy and pulled back in a nice ponytail, she was wearing her teeth, and all the controls for the tv were neatly by her side on the bed. She'd been writing me a text message saying her heart was racing and her oxygen levels had dropped, but never sent it. We don't think she was panicked as she would have called me or Kayleigh if that was the case. It just looked like she'd started to type, got tired, lay down and went. Megan, her cat, was lying next to her when Kayleigh arrived.
We were supposed to take her to a doctor's appointment that day and she had a habit of waking very early and then taking naps in the afternoon. We'd taken her to a chest specialist on the Monday and he was happy with her, there was no indication at all she'd die within a day. Later I even talked to her doctor asking about the results we'd been going to discuss on that Wednesday, and they'd been okay. There was no reason she should have died that night, but she did.
If you've been around a while you'll know we had a difficult relationship with mam at times. She wasn't an easy woman, and could be horribly resentful. We used to walk on egg shells around her often, and she's said and done things that were horrible, without ever realising she'd done so. But she also loved us all, was funny, supportive and just, she was my mam, and that meant everything.
She was diagnosed with Lupus when she had my brother, so over 40 years ago, and suffered badly due to that. Lupus isn't just a running joke on House, it's a horrible, painful condition that really isn't researched enough. Sadly mam made bad decisions and tried to cope using alcohol, leading to bad relationships and things like attempted self harm. I don't think she ever realised how much her drinking affected us all, and by the time she stopped, her health was so bad she couldn't really get her life back.
She also had terrible mental health issues and had been on anti depression tablets and sleeping tablets since I was a child, and yet the doctors never reviewed that or offered any help with counselling until the last few years, when mam was so bogged down it did no good. It was too little too late and she got the tumour on her lung on top of COPD and many other issues.
She didn't have an easy life, and had fallen out with all of her family apart from me and Kayleigh. Her and Chris hadn't talked for over a year, and though he held out an olive branch at Christmas she didn't take it. But she adored Corey, loved James and Kayleigh's partners, was supportive and ridiculously generous. I also believe she loved Chris, just she was so stubborn that she'd never make the move to make up.
Reading this it feels all bad and little good. But it wasn't like that. Yeah, the bad times were bad, but there were lots of good. I keep saying it, but she was mam, and I'll love her forever.
One thing this has made me do is de-clutter. The thought of Corey having to deal with all the crap in this house has had me de-cluttering like crazy. It doesn't help that I've a lot of stuff from mam's, and still have things that came here from nanna. It's why we had to get brutal with mam's stuff at the end and throw out loads, because it's just not possible to take everything. Plus, we're sorting out more life insurance for me and James. Thankfully mam had enough we could comfortably pay for her funeral. Without that we would have been screwed.
This is too long already, so to end. Thank you again to everyone who sent emails, cards, gifts etc. I've started to respond. That's going slowly, but know being thought of meant the world. While I'm not okay yet, people keep saying time will heal, and I'm holding onto that. I guess it's all you can do, really.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 08:42 am (UTC)Thank you.