(no subject)

[turps]

In a bit of a funk about writing today, so I'm going to post about something here instead. This is something that I've been thinking about since I saw it in littledrop's journal. Self censorship and whether I use it in my LJ.

I was reminded of the post when Castalie asked whether I was censoring my journal in a comment last night, and I was a little bit.

I suppose this comes back to the old argument of whether your LJ is there for you or other's entertainment. I suspect most people's instinct would be to say it's for their own benefit. But honestly, can anyone say that they don't write for other people at times?

Personally I use my LJ for so many things. To post stories, to rant and rave, to ask opinions. I never thought it would be so important to me. I've never had a diary in RL, so I didn't think I'd use it so much. But now I find that most days I'm on here.

Going back to the censorship point. Yes, this is me on here, but is it all me? Simple answer no. It's part of me, you don't hear the boring details of my life ( well some anyway ) I don't post about the petty rows I have with James, or talking with the neighbours. You don't really see Terri the mam, you see some of that, but my real life is pretty mundane. In the same way very few people in RL see Terri the fangirl, and the few that do just think I'm weird. I know that and don't have a problem with it.

In this LJ I'm probably seesawing between RL and fangirl Terri. I know this changes from person to person. Some people are all fandom, no RL at all, some mostly RL with some fandom thrown in. But I don't tend to read those LJ's, I feel more comfortable with fans. If I want to be seen as a geek I'll talk to people in RL *g*

Only a few people in RL know that I'm a slasher, James knows and doesn't give a damn, but even he doesn't know what I read, he didn't even know I had two web sites until recently.

I feel comfortable talking in my LJ, maybe too much so sometimes. Sometimes I think I share too much about RL, but it's only on here that I'll talk about things. No one in RL knows how mad and scared and depressed I get sometimes about my family problems. I'm the oldest child, I have a kid of my own. They all look towards me to sort things out, and I do. So when I come on here and say things like, my dogs ill and I'm worried and people care, that means so much. But I'm always wondering if I go too far. Sometimes I've had comments from strangers and I'm jerked into the reality that I'm posting on an open forum and that could be a bad thing.

I censor for the fannish too. I get annoyed at so many things in fandom, but I don't name names because it would kill me if the person I mentioned read what I said and was hurt by it. I'm a total wimp that way, I can't bear thinking that something I've said or done has made people sad/mad. I'd never enter a flame war, and would never think of ever flaming anyone, despite itching to do it. I can be a total bitch, but there's only a few people that I dare let that bitchiness show. Poor Castalie gets the backlash of a lot of bitch sessions. So I bitch generally in my LJ and enjoy it, just hold back on specifics.

I also censor what I like in my LJ to some extent. I like *very* dark subject matter in stories, but don't feel comfortable saying what on here. Again I think only Castalie knows exactly what I do like. I also censor my popslash love severely. I'm still feeling my way on that one. I know that rps is such a big deal to some people that the few times that I've talked about it has been behind a cut. I know people say that it's my LJ and I should have what I want in it but I can't seem to do that.

I don't even know if this makes sense really, I've just been thinking what I use my LJ for. All I know is the person you see on here is probably the inner me. The outer me goes shopping and does the school run and entertains housefuls of kids. The inner me reads gay porn, writes things that would horrify my parents, gets depressed and angry crushes over boybands and pretty boys and knows more about kink than is good for her.

I just hope I don't come off as this melodramatic teeny that bitches and whines because I'm not really -- honest.

Comments

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

Once again, brilliant analysis! It's true, I don't say everything on my LJ either, and nobody knows what I do on the net in my RL (well, Mouse does, but that's just because she's part of RL and CL, so it's not the same).

At some point I was afraid I would become schizo with those nicknames and RL and CL but honestly, now it's part of my balance and I need both - I love being able to rant about my RL (although once again, I don't tell everything because of the 0.5 percent chance someone from my RL might find out... come to think of it, it happened - she got over it *g*)

So yeah, you're right in your analysis of CL v. RL stuff *g*

[castalie.livejournal.com]

I think it makes perfect sense, actually.

In my opinion, LJs are meant for two kind of audience. Ourselves and everyone reading it randomly or because they're among our friends. Yes, I think LJ is for others' entertainement as well, because when we write, we can't really dismiss the fact that *people* are going to read it too, but I think it's a matter of priority. My LJ si *first* for my own entertainment, for *me*, and *then* for my lj friends. I can't really honestly say that I write *for* them per se, but I write knowing some of them will read my entries, and may take part in what I'm writing, so in a way, yeah, they're always in a part of my mind when I'm writing something.

Maybe I'm more selfish than you, though, because I write pretty much what I want, without really thinking of what others may think. I don't want to offend anyone, of course, that's *not* something I would want, but I'm just saying that if I want to talk about Danny, or a new show I watched, or an article that made me smile, or I don't know other mundane subject, I'll do it. If others find it boring, I hope they'll just skip the entry. My LJ is mine, I just let people peep into it, I let them borrow my entries, in a way, you know? It's an exchange, but it's on my term. Of course, I think the same thing for the people I friend. I'm borrowing their own entries, their thoughts, and I accept that I won't always find what they're saying interesting but it doesn't mean it's not. I know that their entries are important to *them* and that's what really counts. It's just part of the game.

So... yes, the Mouse who's using that LJ isn't all *me*. It's a big part of me, granted, but not *everything*. If you read my bio --I wrote it today lol-- you'll see almost only the fannish girl. That's what I chose to focus on, not because it's all my life, but because it's a part of my life that I really like it, and because that's what my cyber life revolves around. I prefer to target other fans, I'm comfortable with them, I love hearing them talk or talk with them even when we're not sharing the same obsessions, and I can't do that in RL as much as I want. You know the feeling anyway *g*

I think you shouldn't censor yourself, not in your LJ. It's your space, so what if you're sharing it with others? Everyone who friended you know what they're in for *g* But I also think you should just write the things you're comfortable with, and if you really feel like you should censor some things, just do it *g* The important thing is, do you like your LJ and what you write in it?

On a more personal note, I'm really honored --and happy-- that I'm one of the few who know more about your inner and darker side *g* You never bore me, and I never get tired of mailing you or reading your mails. Actually, I'm starting to feel the first stage of withdrawal as far as they're concerned *hint hint*

So... well, I know I digressed, but... you know me, I couldn't help it *g* Did *I* make sense anyway? lol

RL v. CL

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

>>>and I can't do that in RL as much as I want.>>>

Sorry to join in, but it's true that in that aspect I feel really lucky that we know each other Mouse - cause that helps me to have a link between my CL and RL!

Anyway, Terri, what she said was what I wanted to say, but she expressed it much better (once more lol)

Re: RL v. CL

[castalie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I made sense! *high fives Babycakes* We rock!

Re: RL v. CL

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

*high five* we rock! either that or we've known each other for too long! lol

Re: RL v. CL

[castalie.livejournal.com]

either that or we've known each other for too long

Well...I would say both *g*

[rhiannon-jehane.livejournal.com]

I think we all use self-censorship on lj to a certain degree. That was a big issue for me when I first started posting -- "what should I post and how much of it?" kind of questions.

But I'm always wondering if I go too far. Sometimes I've had comments from strangers and I'm jerked into the reality that I'm posting on an open forum and that could be a bad thing.

I totally understand! You have no idea how startled I was when people who didn't even have livejournals posted comments to my fanfic rant. It was both thrilling and terrifying. Strangers are reading what I wrote! Yikes! But, you know, duh. *smacks forehead* I'd been reading online journals for months before I got my own and none of those people had any idea I was reading until I got a journal of my own and started posting comments.

I censor for the fannish too. I get annoyed at so many things in fandom, but I don't name names because it would kill me if the person I mentioned read what I said and was hurt by it.

That just means you're a kindhearted person, hon! :-)

I also censor what I like in my LJ to some extent. I like *very* dark subject matter in stories, but don't feel comfortable saying what on here. Again I think only Castalie knows exactly what I do like. I also censor my popslash love severely.

But if that's what you like, that's what you like. We're all entitled to our own tastes and preferences. If you like dark subject matter, that's what you should write about. True, it may not be to everyone's taste, but when you censor it, you're blocking your own spirit.

The same goes for popslash. I know the whole rps thing bothers a lot of people, and I'm kind of on the fence about it myself. But I've always seen chemistry between certain musicians that could be thought of as homoerotic, so I know how easy it is to start thinking "hmm... what if?"

All I know is the person you see on here is probably the inner me.

Guess what? We really like the inner you.

Anyway, I haven't had any caffeine yet, so I'm not sure how coherent this is, but I wanted you to know that you're not the only person who wibbles about what/how much to post

[turps33.livejournal.com]

I think we all use self-censorship on lj to a certain degree. That was a big issue for me when I first started posting -- "what should I post and how much of it?" kind of questions.

*Nods* Yeah, when I first started I was confused about what I'd actually use this journal for. I've never had a diary so wasn't used to writing about my day/what I thought. It still amazes me that anyone's interested.

I totally understand! You have no idea how startled I was when people who didn't even have livejournals posted comments to my fanfic rant. It was both thrilling and terrifying

Oh I've been there too. That comment fest you had on your LJ was *fantastic* I just watched and kept out of it as everything I thought had been said. Starwatcher is my beta reader so we'd talked about this before. But strangers in your LJ is weird. When I was moaning about the new policy on bonding from CL and what people were saying on one of my mailing lists I nearly died when one of the sibs posted at my LJ. Like you it hadn't occured to me that anyone would read what I said even though I did, and still do the same thing.

That just means you're a kindhearted person, hon! :-)

*Blush* thanks. My policy is I don't say anything in public that I wouldn't want to hear myself. Yes I rant at things about fandom, but in general terms.

But if that's what you like, that's what you like. We're all entitled to our own tastes and preferences. If you like dark subject matter, that's what you should write about. True, it may not be to everyone's taste, but when you censor it, you're blocking your own spirit.

I agree in principal, but my problem is I think of the people reading instead of just me. It's like when I answered a question which went kinky. I've no problem about kink, my personal mails would make a sailor blush. But I kept thinking about the people on my friends list that don't read slash so put it behind a cut tag. I shouldn't have, and I'm working on writing what *I* want but it's hard sometimes.

The same goes for popslash. I know the whole rps thing bothers a lot of people, and I'm kind of on the fence about it myself.

You wouldn't believe the thinking I've done about popslash. I think popslash is different to rps, I know technically it's not but I'm slashing the performers not the people. However that's when you hit the grey area as the performers *are* the people. All I know is I slash Kevin who wears skirts and dances on stage, not Kevin who goes home to Kristen. I know he's not 'the father figure' and Nick's not stupid and dizzy but thats who I like, the popslash persona. I don't think any of them are gay -- well maybe Howie but that's his business *g* Plus, and this is my shallow side about to emerge, I've never seen a fandom that gives you so much fodder in terms of slash, kissing and touching and cuddling. It's perfect!

Oh, I also have to say that the idea of slashing say Garett and Richard really squicks me, which doesn't prove anything except I'm a hypercrit.

But bringing it back to censorship, I know that most people don't agree with rps so I keep it to a minimum. I do talk about liking BSB even though it embarrasses me to do so, and I guess people know what I like, I just don't push it under their noses. But that may change if I get any deeper into the fandom.

Guess what? We really like the inner you.

*Blush* Aw thank you! You made my day!