Doubts (RPS)
Aug. 20th, 2003 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
turpsI've written another popslash. Yes, the road to addiction is an easy one for a fandom whore ;)
It's BSB RPS, so if you don't like don't read.
The doubts only appear sometimes, cruel tiny darts that pierce his skin. He never sees them coming, could be insanely happy and content one moment, adrift in a sea of confusion the next. It's usually night time when they come, when he's alone, no one to distract him from the stark truths and twisted logic. They seem to be coming more frequently now, night after night and he has shadows under his eyes that the make up artists tut over, and leave his friends confused. They have a right to be. He's happy in the daylight, when the proximity of others shield his skin. How can the doubts pierce when Howie's hand slides across his arm, or AJ lifts a sardonic eyebrow in his direction, or Brian's laugher fills the room or Nick bursts into a room, all emotion and touching hands?
They're his support system against the world, and when they're together Kevin feels strong, able to face anyone or anything in his path. Harsh words and reviews are swept aside as they question parentage and sooth each others hurt. In the group Kevin knows exactly where he's going and why. It's when he's alone that he falters and the doubts assail his body, leaving him breathless and awake night after night.
Tonight Kevin's lying in bed, tangled in a comforter that's wrapped tight round his left leg. His right leg is free, exposed and cold and he twists a little to try and cover his whole body. All he does is get wrapped tighter and eventually he sits up in disgust, untangling himself before getting up. Hands outstretched he stumbles a little as he aims for the bathroom, gulping down a glass of water in the dark. Kevin can faintly see his reflection in the mirror, ghostly white from the light of the moon that fills his hotel room. His eyes seem huge, dark craters, and he's reminded of the drawings he'd seen of some so called aliens. The thought causes him to laugh, a low chuckle at his over active imagination and he salutes his own reflection, the salute merging into the Vulcan V sign as he heads back into the main room.
Bed holds no appeal, he's tossed and turned for almost an hour and is far away from sleep despite his gritty eyes and sluggish movements. Watching TV is a possibility, but one that's tossed within seconds, the bright images and cheery voices would be too much. Grabbing the comforter he wraps it rounds his shoulders and moves to the couch, squeezing into the corner with his legs drawn up to his chest. For a big man Kevin can squash up small, arms round his knees, head falling forward as he hugs himself tight.
Eyes closed he tries to think of something different tonight, Howie falling on his ass at the last concert, the news from home, anything to distract his attention from the doubts that needle his body. Kevin can feel them, razor sharp with pinprick accuracy as they target all his fears. His age, his future, his friends and family, things that don't hurt during the day, when his brothers work their magic but sting when he's unguarded.
Cold, Kevin pulls the comforter tighter, shivering as album sales figures fill his mind. High, but could they be higher? Was the last song they released as good as it could be? Was there anything he could do to stop AJ heading towards self-destruction? Were the fans moving onto the next new band, leaving them has-beens already? The negative thoughts hurt, and Kevin rubs his forehead, waiting for the biggest doubt of all -- Nick.
Their relationship worries Kevin at times, there's so many obstacles in their path. They're so different, night and day, Nick the sun, Kevin the moon. Yet they're drawn together despite Kevin telling himself to keep away, that Nick's too young, a baby. Kevin shivers a little as he thinks of what could go wrong and pictures them breaking up with bitter words and hurt feelings. It's easy to play that scene in his mind as he sits on the couch, body exhausted but mind whirling with things only acknowledged when he's alone.
Kevin's practically divided their possessions when he hears the door open, squinting as the harsh hall light spills into the room. Nick is standing there, sleepy eyed, dressed in an old t-shirt and sweats that dip slightly at the front, hair mussed but bright and haloed with the glare. Pulling the door closed he smiles as he looks at Kevin.
"Couldn't sleep again eh?"
Kevin sighs a little, watching Nick come closer, disorientated between this Nick and the one in his mind that had just demanded his clothes back. But this Nick is watching him, tenderness apparent in his gaze as he pulls the comforter from Kevin's hands and drapes himself on his lap, all long heavy limbs and sleepy movements. Nick rests his head against Kevin's and his hair falls onto Kevin's cheek, tickling as Nick talks.
"This has to stop Kev. You're going to make yourself ill. You're not superman, no one expects you to be perfect. Tell us if you're worried about something and that includes me. I love you and I'm going nowhere."
Nick cup's Kevin's cheeks as he kisses him slowly, and Kevin can feel Nick's tongue in his mouth, tracing across his teeth before he pulls back until they're forehead to forehead. All Kevin can see is blue eyes and he can feel his confidence returning as Nick snuggles against him.
"I thought you were sleeping in your room tonight?"
Nick chuckles and Kevin smiles at the vibrations against his own chest.
"I was, I have been, but I was lonely without you. Anyway, I could practically hear you worrying through the wall. I figured it's about time you realized you can share the bad thoughts as well as the good. I'm not a kid anymore."
Not trusting his own voice, Kevin nods then smiles at Nick's indulgent grin. Maybe he would still keep most of his doubts to himself but Nick's words showed he didn't have to, and that helps -- a lot. Pulling the comforter round them both Kevin shifts so Nick's lying draped across his side, and lets his eyes close, drifting towards sleep. He knows the darts of self-doubt will still come, and they'll still hurt, but at least all won't find their target, and that's a huge improvement.
Does anyone know anyone that will beta for RPS? I hate posting without a beta as I know there's mistakes, I just never see them unless they're pointed out. I worry about being OOC too, any suggestions will be gratefully received.
It's BSB RPS, so if you don't like don't read.
The doubts only appear sometimes, cruel tiny darts that pierce his skin. He never sees them coming, could be insanely happy and content one moment, adrift in a sea of confusion the next. It's usually night time when they come, when he's alone, no one to distract him from the stark truths and twisted logic. They seem to be coming more frequently now, night after night and he has shadows under his eyes that the make up artists tut over, and leave his friends confused. They have a right to be. He's happy in the daylight, when the proximity of others shield his skin. How can the doubts pierce when Howie's hand slides across his arm, or AJ lifts a sardonic eyebrow in his direction, or Brian's laugher fills the room or Nick bursts into a room, all emotion and touching hands?
They're his support system against the world, and when they're together Kevin feels strong, able to face anyone or anything in his path. Harsh words and reviews are swept aside as they question parentage and sooth each others hurt. In the group Kevin knows exactly where he's going and why. It's when he's alone that he falters and the doubts assail his body, leaving him breathless and awake night after night.
Tonight Kevin's lying in bed, tangled in a comforter that's wrapped tight round his left leg. His right leg is free, exposed and cold and he twists a little to try and cover his whole body. All he does is get wrapped tighter and eventually he sits up in disgust, untangling himself before getting up. Hands outstretched he stumbles a little as he aims for the bathroom, gulping down a glass of water in the dark. Kevin can faintly see his reflection in the mirror, ghostly white from the light of the moon that fills his hotel room. His eyes seem huge, dark craters, and he's reminded of the drawings he'd seen of some so called aliens. The thought causes him to laugh, a low chuckle at his over active imagination and he salutes his own reflection, the salute merging into the Vulcan V sign as he heads back into the main room.
Bed holds no appeal, he's tossed and turned for almost an hour and is far away from sleep despite his gritty eyes and sluggish movements. Watching TV is a possibility, but one that's tossed within seconds, the bright images and cheery voices would be too much. Grabbing the comforter he wraps it rounds his shoulders and moves to the couch, squeezing into the corner with his legs drawn up to his chest. For a big man Kevin can squash up small, arms round his knees, head falling forward as he hugs himself tight.
Eyes closed he tries to think of something different tonight, Howie falling on his ass at the last concert, the news from home, anything to distract his attention from the doubts that needle his body. Kevin can feel them, razor sharp with pinprick accuracy as they target all his fears. His age, his future, his friends and family, things that don't hurt during the day, when his brothers work their magic but sting when he's unguarded.
Cold, Kevin pulls the comforter tighter, shivering as album sales figures fill his mind. High, but could they be higher? Was the last song they released as good as it could be? Was there anything he could do to stop AJ heading towards self-destruction? Were the fans moving onto the next new band, leaving them has-beens already? The negative thoughts hurt, and Kevin rubs his forehead, waiting for the biggest doubt of all -- Nick.
Their relationship worries Kevin at times, there's so many obstacles in their path. They're so different, night and day, Nick the sun, Kevin the moon. Yet they're drawn together despite Kevin telling himself to keep away, that Nick's too young, a baby. Kevin shivers a little as he thinks of what could go wrong and pictures them breaking up with bitter words and hurt feelings. It's easy to play that scene in his mind as he sits on the couch, body exhausted but mind whirling with things only acknowledged when he's alone.
Kevin's practically divided their possessions when he hears the door open, squinting as the harsh hall light spills into the room. Nick is standing there, sleepy eyed, dressed in an old t-shirt and sweats that dip slightly at the front, hair mussed but bright and haloed with the glare. Pulling the door closed he smiles as he looks at Kevin.
"Couldn't sleep again eh?"
Kevin sighs a little, watching Nick come closer, disorientated between this Nick and the one in his mind that had just demanded his clothes back. But this Nick is watching him, tenderness apparent in his gaze as he pulls the comforter from Kevin's hands and drapes himself on his lap, all long heavy limbs and sleepy movements. Nick rests his head against Kevin's and his hair falls onto Kevin's cheek, tickling as Nick talks.
"This has to stop Kev. You're going to make yourself ill. You're not superman, no one expects you to be perfect. Tell us if you're worried about something and that includes me. I love you and I'm going nowhere."
Nick cup's Kevin's cheeks as he kisses him slowly, and Kevin can feel Nick's tongue in his mouth, tracing across his teeth before he pulls back until they're forehead to forehead. All Kevin can see is blue eyes and he can feel his confidence returning as Nick snuggles against him.
"I thought you were sleeping in your room tonight?"
Nick chuckles and Kevin smiles at the vibrations against his own chest.
"I was, I have been, but I was lonely without you. Anyway, I could practically hear you worrying through the wall. I figured it's about time you realized you can share the bad thoughts as well as the good. I'm not a kid anymore."
Not trusting his own voice, Kevin nods then smiles at Nick's indulgent grin. Maybe he would still keep most of his doubts to himself but Nick's words showed he didn't have to, and that helps -- a lot. Pulling the comforter round them both Kevin shifts so Nick's lying draped across his side, and lets his eyes close, drifting towards sleep. He knows the darts of self-doubt will still come, and they'll still hurt, but at least all won't find their target, and that's a huge improvement.
Does anyone know anyone that will beta for RPS? I hate posting without a beta as I know there's mistakes, I just never see them unless they're pointed out. I worry about being OOC too, any suggestions will be gratefully received.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 10:31 am (UTC)That was quite lovely. It's a hard pairing to write, since the two of them are so different, so you get bonus points for tackling it. :-)
This part:
was especially nice.
And, if you're in need of a popslash beta, feel more than free to ask.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 11:30 am (UTC)Tell me about it. A new fandom's the last thing I need, but I agree they're so pretty
That was quite lovely. It's a hard pairing to write, since the two of them are so different, so you get bonus points for tackling it. :-)
They are totally different, but I think this was a case of the clueless newbie jumping onto a pairing without thinking *g*
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and that you told me what part you especially like. It helps so much.
I'll certainly hit you for a beta, thanks for offering and commenting :)
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 12:34 pm (UTC)Well, the two of them are so damn pretty, I'd jump on them, too.
Wait... did I just say that out loud? ::snicker::
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 01:42 pm (UTC)Wait... did I just say that out loud? ::snicker::
Well yes, yes you did. I heard you *snickers too*
If you jump I'm going to follow. I can't think of a better way to break in a new fandom than jumping on Kevin and Nick ;)
Wow!
Date: 2003-08-20 10:45 am (UTC)Re: Wow!
Date: 2003-08-20 11:56 am (UTC)I've added you to my beta list too. I'll take all the beta's that I can get, I'm not proud *g*
Thank you for offering.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 10:49 am (UTC)I'm available as a beta, too.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 11:59 am (UTC)Thank you.
I'm glad that you caught the mood I tried to create.
I've added you to my beta list too, like I said I need as much help as I can get ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 02:16 pm (UTC)Hee, thank you.
It doesn't matter how many fandoms I try I always come back to the The Sentinel. Blair will always have a special place in my heart.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 02:28 pm (UTC)It only aired here ( England ) about a month ago, but I found the show through fanfic and bought all the episodes from a fan. That was about 2 years ago, my first ever story was TS and I still write it today, just juggle with all the other fandoms I have on the go.
I can even get my husband to admit the slashiness of the show, which is saying something. But at least he watches it with me, the big superhero fanboy that he is.
Snap *g* My husband watches and is convinced that Jim and Blair are together, the only thing is he thinks Simon's in the mix too, joining them for sex sessions. That didn't even cross my mind! lol.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 02:09 pm (UTC)I know you love writing/reading those kind of fics, and you're not doubting it anymore, so it's great! Or at least, you're telling your doubts to go fuck themselves, and you're brave enough to post your --always great-- stories *g*
I'm delighted to see you received so good feedbacks already. Way to go, sis!!
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 02:22 pm (UTC)I was looking at my LJ today, with it's boyband pictures, icons and mood themes and did think fuck it. Some people may de friend me but in the end this is my LJ and I love sparkly dancing boys.
The fact you're so supportive despite having no interest what so ever means a lot. You rock sis!
no subject
Date: 2005-09-01 01:47 am (UTC)I love how we're drawn into Kevin's mood, dark and slightly maniacal and worrysomely paranoical... paranoidly worrisome? But then, enter Nick like a ray of sunshine, all sunny and sleepy and too smart for his own good but knowing just what to say to make Kevin feel better, even if it does sound more like teenager's bravado than mature adult-speak. Well, we can't *all* be like Kevin. And they're snuggly-sleepy and it's all good.
Not my pairing of choice but you make it work very well. :)
}:)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-01 07:25 am (UTC)But thank you, Kevin/Nick is my BSB OTP and though I'd do some things differently now, I'm glad the story worked for you :)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-01 01:48 pm (UTC)Kevin/Nick is my BSB OTP
Heh. The 'freakishly tall OTP'! :D
I'm glad the story worked for you :)
Kevin-the-worrier and Nicky-the-comforter. Works perfectly. :D
}:)