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Jul. 17th, 2004 09:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
turpsWe went to see nanna today, I think it only really sinks in that granddad died when you go to his house and he's not there in his chair. We took Corey and I felt so bad when he walked in the room and started to cry. He looked at granddad's empty chair then a picture of him and nanna on the wall and just started to cry. Nanna seems okay, she was telling me that tomorrow is the anniversary of the day her and grandad met, 68 years. I can't imagine that long, I keep thinking that 12 years is a long time for me and James, but 68 is in another league. She told me how he died. They went to bed on Thurs, joking a little and grandad woke up at about 3 feeling sick. Nanna got him a bucket but he settled down, then later he got this pain in his leg and told nanna that she'd better ring the emergency doctor as something was wrong. Now this is the man who hated doctors and has been unable to speak clearly for a while, but nanna said this time he did. She decided to wait a few moments, then at half five in the morning, when nanna was holding him in her arms, his head dropped to the side and he died, just like that. She waited a while, just holding him, then phoned my dad and uncle.
Logically I know that's the best way to die, he was with someone he loved to the very end and in his own bed, and it is a comfort. He was so sick, nanna just received a letter saying he had to go have treatment for the tumour behind his eye everyday for a fortnight soon. Which would have been so hard for them as he could hardly walk at all. And anyone that reads my journal will know that he'd been going downhill for a while. I'm just so glad I saw him recently, and hugged him like always. He knew me then, for an instant becoming the grandad who grew me tomatoes and took me and my brother on daytrips in his red Beatle, not the man who couldn't see, could hardly walk and lived in the past.
Damn, I've made myself cry now after keeping it in all day. Though it was hard, especially when nanna talked about sleeping in the guest room last night and expecting him to walk through the door, and the time she was talking and suddenly looked up and said 'he loved you you know' because I know he did.
The funeral is late next week, and he's going to be at the funeral home in a few days. Nanna said I could go see him if I wanted, because she would be, but I don't want to. I hated seeing my other nanna and grandad in their coffins, and I don't see the point. I know some people need to see to believe that they're dead, but I know that, it doesn't have to be pointed out by seeing him like that.
I want to thank everyone that commented yesterday because every hug and word helped and I appreciated them so much. *hugs flist*
Now I'm going to wipe my eyes, make a drink and see what you're all up to.
Logically I know that's the best way to die, he was with someone he loved to the very end and in his own bed, and it is a comfort. He was so sick, nanna just received a letter saying he had to go have treatment for the tumour behind his eye everyday for a fortnight soon. Which would have been so hard for them as he could hardly walk at all. And anyone that reads my journal will know that he'd been going downhill for a while. I'm just so glad I saw him recently, and hugged him like always. He knew me then, for an instant becoming the grandad who grew me tomatoes and took me and my brother on daytrips in his red Beatle, not the man who couldn't see, could hardly walk and lived in the past.
Damn, I've made myself cry now after keeping it in all day. Though it was hard, especially when nanna talked about sleeping in the guest room last night and expecting him to walk through the door, and the time she was talking and suddenly looked up and said 'he loved you you know' because I know he did.
The funeral is late next week, and he's going to be at the funeral home in a few days. Nanna said I could go see him if I wanted, because she would be, but I don't want to. I hated seeing my other nanna and grandad in their coffins, and I don't see the point. I know some people need to see to believe that they're dead, but I know that, it doesn't have to be pointed out by seeing him like that.
I want to thank everyone that commented yesterday because every hug and word helped and I appreciated them so much. *hugs flist*
Now I'm going to wipe my eyes, make a drink and see what you're all up to.
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Date: 2004-07-17 01:28 pm (UTC)You've made me cry too, and I'm glad. It's really wonderful to get pieces of special things, from people. Thank you for sharing. And I'm glad he was able to go, in his own bed, with someone he loved.
*hugs a lot*
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Date: 2004-07-19 05:47 am (UTC)Thank you for what you said, their relationship wasn't perfect but there was a lot of love, and that needs sharing I think.
*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 01:34 pm (UTC)*hugs you tightly*
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Date: 2004-07-19 05:45 am (UTC)*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 01:52 pm (UTC)*hugs you tight*
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Date: 2004-07-19 05:48 am (UTC)*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 02:11 pm (UTC)*nods*
We took Corey and I felt so bad when he walked in the room and started to cry.
I'm definitely one of the "bring the kids" people. I'm glad you did take Corey, I'm sure he is too.
I'm just so glad I saw him recently, and hugged him like always.
Reading this just makes me smile.
I went to the cemetary today, and said some prayers. I included your granddad in them, and asked my relatives who have passed on to make sure he feels welcome.
*big hugs*
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Date: 2004-07-17 02:56 pm (UTC)Thank you. I just think that he's Corey's great grandad so he's allowed to grieve too. I felt guilty as hell when he did cry, but he had to go sometime, and this way he heard a lot of good memories of grandad.
Thank you for your prayers. Thinking about him meeting your relatives makes me smile, and is comforting too, thank you for that.
*hugs you back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 02:17 pm (UTC)I'm thinking good thoughts for your family and especially for your nanna. 68 years that's an incredible long time, she must miss him a lot.
*hugs*
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Date: 2004-07-19 05:50 am (UTC)Thank you, hon.
*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 02:24 pm (UTC)*hugs some more*
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Date: 2004-07-19 05:52 am (UTC)Thank you. I do miss him but I know he wasn't really living at the end. That's the only comfort.
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Date: 2004-07-17 02:31 pm (UTC)It always hurts like hell to lose someone you love, no matter how elderly or ill they were. You are in my thoughts. More *hugs*
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Date: 2004-07-17 02:50 pm (UTC)You're right. I can justify to myself how ill he was over and over, but in the end I still miss him like crazy.
*hugs you back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-17 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 05:53 am (UTC)Thank you.
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Date: 2004-07-17 03:45 pm (UTC)Another thing that will help is to think back to the way he died, because really is there a better way to die than in the arms of the person you love for 68 years? I'm baffled by it actually. I'm sorry for your loss and your grand-mother's, but maybe in some time, she'll realise that she was there for him, until the very end and the last thing he saw or felt was her... and I just hope she'll be able to cling to that knowledge. It sounds cliched right now, I know - but some cliches are true anyway. It won't make the sense of loss anything less, but maybe it'll help.
Right now though, other things are more important, you have to accept your loss and face everything, and the first week is always the worst, I know. Just know that you're not alone and I'm thinking of you, sweetie - like I said in my last comment and my last email, you know that I'm here if you need - like everyone of us, really *g*
{{{Hugs}}}
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Date: 2004-07-22 07:43 am (UTC)People have been wonderful, the comments and mails helped a lot when I'm feeling down.
Thank you.
*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 07:54 am (UTC)Thank you.
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Date: 2004-07-17 04:32 pm (UTC)it's so hard to lose important people - I know words don't really help that much, but I do hope your family can spend time together and good memories help a bit.
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Date: 2004-07-19 07:55 am (UTC)*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-17 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 07:56 am (UTC)*hugs back*
Thank you.
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Date: 2004-07-19 08:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-17 04:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 07:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-17 05:57 pm (UTC)It's okay to cry. I was there in the hospital with my dad when my gran died, and he apologised for crying. The nurse told him off just before I could. So cry all you want to, because it hurts to have to say goodbye to someone for the last time, however much you knew it was going to happen, and however much in some ways it might have been for the best.
{hugs} again.
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Date: 2004-07-19 07:58 am (UTC)*hugs you back*
Thank you.
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Date: 2004-07-17 06:34 pm (UTC)sniffles as well
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Date: 2004-07-19 07:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-17 06:39 pm (UTC)*cries with you*
*wishes he could stop, but is also maybe glad he can't...*
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Date: 2004-07-18 01:56 pm (UTC)Thanks, hon. It's been a rough few days and the crying was part of that.
Thank you for thinking of him, it means so much to me.
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Date: 2004-07-17 06:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-18 01:52 pm (UTC)*hugs back*
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Date: 2004-07-18 04:57 am (UTC)I'm so sorry for your loss :( I'll be thinking of you and your family.
This entry is a beautiful memorial, btw. I can tell that you loved him a lot.
*biiig hugs*
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Date: 2004-07-18 01:52 pm (UTC)I did love him a lot, he was a good man. Flawed in some ways ( but isn't everybody? ) but I always knew he loved us.
*hugs you back*
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Date: 2004-07-18 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-18 01:36 pm (UTC)Thank you.
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Date: 2004-07-18 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-18 01:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 10:04 am (UTC)Knowing people care helps so much.
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Date: 2004-08-02 02:25 am (UTC)