(no subject)

[turps]

We went to see nanna today, I think it only really sinks in that granddad died when you go to his house and he's not there in his chair. We took Corey and I felt so bad when he walked in the room and started to cry. He looked at granddad's empty chair then a picture of him and nanna on the wall and just started to cry. Nanna seems okay, she was telling me that tomorrow is the anniversary of the day her and grandad met, 68 years. I can't imagine that long, I keep thinking that 12 years is a long time for me and James, but 68 is in another league. She told me how he died. They went to bed on Thurs, joking a little and grandad woke up at about 3 feeling sick. Nanna got him a bucket but he settled down, then later he got this pain in his leg and told nanna that she'd better ring the emergency doctor as something was wrong. Now this is the man who hated doctors and has been unable to speak clearly for a while, but nanna said this time he did. She decided to wait a few moments, then at half five in the morning, when nanna was holding him in her arms, his head dropped to the side and he died, just like that. She waited a while, just holding him, then phoned my dad and uncle.

Logically I know that's the best way to die, he was with someone he loved to the very end and in his own bed, and it is a comfort. He was so sick, nanna just received a letter saying he had to go have treatment for the tumour behind his eye everyday for a fortnight soon. Which would have been so hard for them as he could hardly walk at all. And anyone that reads my journal will know that he'd been going downhill for a while. I'm just so glad I saw him recently, and hugged him like always. He knew me then, for an instant becoming the grandad who grew me tomatoes and took me and my brother on daytrips in his red Beatle, not the man who couldn't see, could hardly walk and lived in the past.

Damn, I've made myself cry now after keeping it in all day. Though it was hard, especially when nanna talked about sleeping in the guest room last night and expecting him to walk through the door, and the time she was talking and suddenly looked up and said 'he loved you you know' because I know he did.

The funeral is late next week, and he's going to be at the funeral home in a few days. Nanna said I could go see him if I wanted, because she would be, but I don't want to. I hated seeing my other nanna and grandad in their coffins, and I don't see the point. I know some people need to see to believe that they're dead, but I know that, it doesn't have to be pointed out by seeing him like that.

I want to thank everyone that commented yesterday because every hug and word helped and I appreciated them so much. *hugs flist*

Now I'm going to wipe my eyes, make a drink and see what you're all up to.

Comments

[castalie.livejournal.com]

Knowing how ill someone is or how old they are never really makes thing easier when they die - it'll help a bit in the long run though, but right now it's just the pain of losing your granddad that prevails, and you have a right to that pain. You don't even need to justify yourself.

Another thing that will help is to think back to the way he died, because really is there a better way to die than in the arms of the person you love for 68 years? I'm baffled by it actually. I'm sorry for your loss and your grand-mother's, but maybe in some time, she'll realise that she was there for him, until the very end and the last thing he saw or felt was her... and I just hope she'll be able to cling to that knowledge. It sounds cliched right now, I know - but some cliches are true anyway. It won't make the sense of loss anything less, but maybe it'll help.

Right now though, other things are more important, you have to accept your loss and face everything, and the first week is always the worst, I know. Just know that you're not alone and I'm thinking of you, sweetie - like I said in my last comment and my last email, you know that I'm here if you need - like everyone of us, really *g*

{{{Hugs}}}

[turps33.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know you're right. I'm allowed to miss him, and I shouldn't try to justify how I feel and I agree the way he died was the best way possible. There is comfort in that.

People have been wonderful, the comments and mails helped a lot when I'm feeling down.

Thank you.

*hugs back*