turps

The party for Alicia is supposed to be low-key, but somehow it’s grown into something that’s left the common area filled with balloons and home made banners, while the tables are covered with food.

Ryan hesitates in the doorway, taking in the crowds of people who’re settled on the couches and talking in groups. They’re all people he knows, and he spots Bob and Ray talking with Gabe, Pete perched on a windowsill, his black cat ears catching the light. Further back and Brendon’s dancing with Lindsey, laughing when she suddenly dips him to the floor.

Then, at the very back of the room, Jon, who waves when he sees Spencer and Ryan.

“Go and talk to him.” Spencer leans in close to Ryan, grinning as he says, “I know you want to.”

Ryan frowns, “I want to talk to everyone, I’m naturally gregarious like that.”

“Yeah, you’re really not,” Spencer says fondly. He looks around, then steps away from the doorway, waiting for Ryan to follow. “You told me about his cats last night. You hate cats.”

That’s something Ryan’s going to protest. “I don’t hate cats, they’re just inferior to dogs, and evil.”

“And yet you know the names of Jon’s and what they look like.” Spencer’s smile is wide as he sing-songs, “Someone’s got a crush.”

“I’m going to punch you in the face.” Checking that there’s no one around, Ryan says, “I’ve only talked to him a few times.”

“That’s enough to know that you like him.” All serious now, Spencer looks directly at Ryan. “There’s nothing wrong with liking someone.”

“Maybe.” Ryan can allow that much, but Spencer’s wrong. Even if Ryan has enjoyed talking with Jon, that’s as far as he’ll allow it to go. A crush something that’s pointless for someone like Ryan, and therefore something he won’t allow to develop.

“There’s no maybe about it,” Spencer says, and he sounds determined, sure of what he’s saying. “It won’t always be like this.”

“For you maybe.” That’s something Ryan’s known for a while, that Spencer will get out of this lifestyle, and when he does so he’ll leave Ryan behind. “I’m going to be a silver fox sex worker, or more probably, dead.”

“Fuck you, Ryan.” Spencer looks away, taking a deep breath, then whirls back around. “You don’t get to do that. I’m sick of the self-sacrificing bullshit, yeah, you owe Walt money, but you asked for it in the first place for me.”

Ryan doesn’t get why it’s an issue. What he did for Spencer he’d do again in an instant, and he says, “I wasn’t going to let them take you go to jail.”

“I know that.” Spencer’s shoulders slump, his anger draining away. “And you need to get it through your head that even if it was you borrowing the money from Walt, the debt belongs to us both.”

“It’s my name on the agreement,” Ryan says, and no matter how much Spencer says otherwise, that’s a fact that won’t change. “I’ll be here until I pay it off.”

“And you never will with the interest he charges.” Spencer rubs at his face, says, “You know how to bring a conversation down.”

“It’s my superpower,” Ryan says, and starts to head for the main room. “Come on, it sounds like they’re bringing out cake.”

Ryan’s thankful when Spencer follows, a conversation he hates having delayed once again. It’s better that way, because no matter what Spencer thinks, Ryan’s going nowhere. It’s just how it is.

Inside of the room, the conversation dies down when Lindsey climbs up on a table and whistles, loud. “Listen up everyone. I’m not going to make a speech.”

Gabe grins, yells, “Thank fuck for that.”

Seamlessly, while flipping Gabe off and flashing him her own grin, Lindsey goes on, “But I do want to thank Brendon for organizing this and to everyone who’s helped make this celebration happen. Bob, now.”

At her prompt, Bob walks forward carrying a giant cake, one that’s got Congratulations written in black writing on the top, and a sparkler shooting off gold sparks in the middle. Setting it on a cleared off table, he stands next to Alicia, who gives him a fierce hug, leaving a lipstick mark against Bob’s neck.

“To Alicia,” Lindsey says. “For moving on and showing that it’s possible.”

The whole room erupts into cheers, Alicia smiling so wide that her face has to hurt.

“Thank you.” At first Alicia’s words are unheard, then she says again, “Thank you, I couldn’t have done it without this place.” Alicia blows a kiss toward Lindsey, then picks up a knife, brandishing it at the cake. “Ray, can you come and help me cut this?”

It’s a request Ryan understands, and one that feels right. That even if they can’t officially celebrate Ray paying off his debt to Walt, they can acknowledge it this way.

Ray makes his way through the crowd and takes a spot at Alicia’s side. Together, they take hold of the knife and make the first cut.

“You need to come home.”

It’s the first time Gerard’s stated that out loud, and Mikey can’t help wishing that Jon was still here, where his presence would delay a conversation that’s so badly needed. But also a one Mikey isn’t sure he’s ready to take part in.

Right now he’s not sure about anything. Things have moved so fast Mikey’s still trying to find his own feet, and making decisions right now seems impossible. But he does know one thing, and Mikey glances at Frank as he says, “Our home is here now.”

“No. It’s not,” Gerard says instantly. “But if you do want to stay, I’m moving here too.”

“You’d move?” It’s hard to imagine Gerard away from the city, but he’s nodding, and all Mikey can say is, “Why?”

Gerard flinches, running his hands through his hair. “I guess I deserved that.”

“It wasn’t meant as a dig,” Mikey says, and it feels like he’s groping in the dark, seeking the instinctive connection with Gerard that’s been severed by time and distance. “Your life’s back in New Jersey.”

“And so’s yours, and Frank’s,” Gerard says simply.

Too simply, because as easy as Gerard seems to think things are, he’s not seeing the full picture. That Mikey and Frank have a life here, and sure, it’s one that’s mostly fucked up, but Mikey ran for a reason. Plus, Mikey doesn’t know if he can even go back. Too many things have changed and Mikey can’t imagine how he can sleep in his old room, or look Linda in the face, or even leave the people who actually do understand.

Not looking at either Gerard or Frank, Mikey says, “I don’t know if I can go back.”

“Then I’ll come here.” Gerard sounds sure, insistent in a way he hasn’t been for a long time. “I’ll need to rent an apartment and call work, see if I can transfer, but that shouldn’t take long.”

“You’ve a job now?” Frank asks. “Doing what?”

“Working at Starbucks,” Gerard says, and for the first time in a while there’s a hint of a smile. “They were hiring and I needed a job, and the perks are fucking awesome.”

“Free coffee?” Mikey asks, trying to picture Gerard as a barista.

“You know it.” Gerard does smile then, for all of a few seconds, and then says, “I mean it, Mikey. I’ll move here if I have to. I’m not losing you again.”

Mikey believes him, and knowing that helps Mikey’s mind clear, allowing him to see where they actually belong. But he won’t say yet, because this isn’t just about Mikey, it never has been. He turns, looking at Frank, who’s been close at Mikey’s side since Jon left. “This is your life too.”

Frank’s got his hand resting on Mikey’s thigh, as if always needing to touch, waiting a long time before saying, “I don’t want to stay.”

Briefly Mikey considers suggesting they move elsewhere. Another town or city, making a new start yet again. Which is tempting, except for one thing. “It’s like tongues against ice.”

“The fuck?” Frank says, looking worried as he stares at Mikey. “Are you feeling okay?”

“No,” Mikey says, admitting that truth, but there’s also the feeling of relief, as he makes this final decision. “But it’s time to stop running.”

Gerard leans forward, and Mikey can feel his happiness, Gerard’s own relief as the connection between them seems to snap into place. “You’re coming home?”

“We’re coming home,” Mikey corrects, and links his fingers with Frank’s.

Ryan’s waiting for Spencer when Jon appears and sits down, taking the end of the couch. He’s holding a plate containing leftover cake, and hands it over to Ryan. “I brought you a corner piece.”

Ryan takes the plate, and picks off a chunk of fondant from the side of the cake. “I’m impressed you managed to find any left over.”

Jon taps at his nose. “I have my ways and means. Also, access to the staff refrigerator.”

“You’re giving away all your secrets.” Ryan tears the cake in half, and offers the plate back to Jon. “Share?”

Jon takes hold of one of the pieces and says, “I don’t mind you knowing.”

There seems to be something hidden in the statement, and Ryan eats another piece of fondant, trying to figure it out. Coming up empty, he eventually says, “How are the hell cats?”

“Still intent on world domination.” Jon’s tearing his own cake into small chunks, crumbs falling onto his lap. When he’s left with a handful of pieces, Jon frowns and drops them all on the plate, then says, “I’ve been talking to Spencer.”

Immediately Ryan’s wary, and he says, “About?”

“You,” Jon says, and then remains silent.

It’s the point where Ryan should prompt the conversation, asking questions or demanding Jon say more, but he’s not about to play that game and stays silent himself and waits.

It’s Jon that eventually breaks. “He said you used to read a lot, and liked to write.”

“I used to,” Ryan says, making a vow to kill Spencer as soon as he sees him. “I don’t do that now. So if you’re going to ask me to join in the poetry slam, don’t bother.”

“I wasn’t going to.” Again Jon stops talking, and all he’s doing is looking at Ryan. Then, suddenly, he says, “I know you don’t want to join, but what about going? With me.”

“You want to go to the Poetry Slam with me?” Ryan needs to clarify, because yeah, he enjoys spending time with Jon, but no matter what Spencer says, they’ve only spent a short amount of time together. “As a friend or....”

“A date.” This time Jon is decisive, and he turns on the couch so his knee is against Ryan’s.”I know you don’t really know me that well, but I like you, and things have to start somewhere.”

“I know enough.” It’s not that that’s Ryan’s problem, it’s that Jon doesn’t seem to understand who he’s asking. Ryan knows he has to say no, because people like Jon just aren’t meant for Ryan. “But I can’t, so sorry, no.”

“Can’t or won’t,” Jon asks, not accepting the answer. “Because if it’s can’t tell me the reason and I’ll tell you the solution.”

Ryan thinks about lying, and about how much simpler things will be if he simply says, ‘won’t’. His mouth open, Ryan plans on the lie, ending this right now, but somehow, finds himself saying, “Can’t.”

“Okay, good.” Jon seems relieved and rests his hand on Ryan’s knee. “Now, why not?”

“Because you volunteer here, and work at the hospital. Because you have cats and wear ugly sweaters and talk about TV shows that I don’t get to see.” They’re all reasons Ryan means, but the main one remains, “Because I sell my body for sex and you’re too good for someone like me.”

“Don’t you think I should be involved in that decision?” Jon asks, and then, “Also, that’s bullshit, because you’re just as good as anyone else.”

It’s not something Ryan can agree with, a few words unable to reverse years of believing the worst. But they are good to hear, and maybe, Ryan thinks, one day he will start to believe them.

“So,” Jon says, smiling at Ryan. “There’s a poetry slam on soon. Would you like to go with me?”

This time, Ryan says, “Yes.”

Mikey’s not expecting any kind of send off the day he goes home.

After a lot of talking, it’s been decided that he and Frank need to go back right away, and after claiming all their belongings from the storage unit, they’re safe in the trunk of the rental. But first, Mikey needs to say goodbye, and they pull up close to the doors of Phoenix House.

Going inside, Mikey looks for Ryan, who he knows is helping Jon take inventory, or Spencer who should be just getting out from his class. Neither are there, and inside it’s quiet, like the whole building is deserted.

Unsure if he should even be here, Mikey looks into the common room, and jumps when Brendon yells, “Surprise!”

Inside are Brendon and Jon, Lindsey and Alicia, Ray and Bob, Gabe raising his mug in salute and Pete, who launches himself at Mikey as soon as he steps into the room.

“You’re not getting away with saying goodbye, Mikey Way.” Pete hugs Mikey hard and then takes a step back, slipping off his cat ears and putting them on Mikey. “So you don’t forget me.”

“There’s no chance of that,” Mikey says, and he adjusts the cat ears, knowing that while he won’t need them to remember, he’ll keep them anyway.

“Look after him,” Lindsey says, and hugs Mikey, then Gerard and Frank. “And yourselves. Drive safe and remember, Mikey, you need to get that cast checked in two days.”

“He will,” Frank says.

Gerard nods, says, “Yeah, he will.”

“Good,” Lindsey says, addressing Gerard. “I’ll be calling to make sure.”

Gerard looks pleased, and Mikey stores the information for later teasing. For now though, he needs to finish his goodbyes, and he looks past the group, hoping that Spencer and Ryan are close by.

“Looking for us?” Spencer eases past Bob and Alicia, and smiles before hugging Mikey. “You’re welcome to share our bed any time.”

Mikey says, “Thank you,” and then Spencer stepping away, Ryan taking his place. Mikey lets his arm drop, unsure if Ryan actually does hugging.

It turns out he does, and does them well. Ryan wraps his arms around Mikey, holding on tight, his body angled away from Mikey’s arm. “I’m glad you’re going back.”

“Me too,” Mikey says, and he tucks his head against Ryan’s shoulder. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

“You’re welcome.” Finally, they end the hug and Mikey’s surrounded by people who came through when he needed them. People who within days of meeting them he classed as friends. Seeing Frank and Jon bump fists and then hug, Mikey turns to Ryan. “He’s a good guy.”

“He is,” Ryan agrees, and even though he stops talking then, Mikey can hear what he leaves unstated.

“Before, Pete told me something, about tongues and ice, I can’t remember exactly. But the point was, don’t get stuck when you’ve got a chance to go forward.” Mikey hopes that Ryan gets what he’s saying, but at least Mikey’s tried. Now the rest’s up to Ryan.

Ryan looks over at Jon, tracking his movements as Jon talks to Gerard and Frank. Ryan turns back to Mikey and says, “I’ll try. I promise.”

“Good,” Mikey says, and knows that finally, it’s time to go home.

Epilogue

“Ryan!”

Ryan hears Frank first, which gives him all of a few seconds to prepare before he’s suddenly engulfed in a hug from behind.

“I see we’ve found the right house,” Jon says, sounding amused as he gets out of his car, groaning as he stretches. “Do you know the roads to get here are crazy?”

“The worst,” Frank agrees, and then yells, “Gerard, Mikey, they’re here.”

Pointedly, Ryan rubs at his ear, and Frank laughs as he lets go and goes off to hug Jon and then Spencer, who’s yawning as he gets out of the car.

There’s the sound of a door opening and Ryan looks toward the house, seeing first Gerard, and then Mikey. In the ten months since he’s seen him Mikey’s filled out, the lines of his body softened and his hair has changed color. He also looks happy, and Ryan realizes that while Mikey did smile before, his happiness then was diluted. Now Mikey’s all but beaming, and also looks healthy, all bruising and pinched misery long gone.

“We thought you’d got lost,” Mikey says, moving in for his own hug. “You should have been here ages ago.”

“Someone let Ryan hold the map,” Spencer says, busy taking the bags out of the trunk. “We nearly ended up heading to Vegas.”

“Force of habit,” Ryan says. “And we didn’t actually end up there, so...”

“So you’re never being in charge of directions again,” Spencer says, putting his and Ryan’s small bag on top of Jon’s. “Lindsey says hi, by the way.”

“How is she?” Gerard asks, all too casual, prompting both Mikey and Frank to laugh.

“Like you don’t know.” Frank picks up the bags, frowning at Jon when it looks like he’s going to protest. “There’s no need for the nurse act, I’m healthy and have been for a long time.”

Jon holds up his hands, giving an easy smile. “Lead on then.”

It’s Gerard that leads them all back, going into the house he indicates a sofa and says, “It’s a pull out, I thought Spencer could sleep here and Ryan and Jon upstairs. That is. Fuck. I’m assuming here, you might want to swap.”

Ryan moves closer to Jon, and while normally they’re not overly affectionate in public, he takes hold of Jon’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “It’s okay, you assumed right.”

“Awesome.” Gerard sounds genuinely happy as he leaves the living room into the kitchen. Turning on the coffee machine he says, “I’m going to order pizza, is that okay?”

“Depends,” Ryan says, looking at Mikey. “Do we get to write on the lid after?”

Mikey smiles and says, “Always.”

~~~~~

Ryan wakes to a pitch black room and Jon plastered close in the queen bed. Too hot under the mound of blankets, Ryan pushes some back, and then hears a noise from downstairs. Lying still, he hears the sound again, and knows there’s no chance of going back asleep until he knows what it is.

Wiggling from under Jon’s arm, Ryan gets out of bed, his arms held in front of him as he makes his way out of the room, thankful that when he opens the door it’s not totally dark. The only illumination is a thin strip of light, bleeding from under a door, and Ryan takes a moment to place the room as the kitchen, before going downstairs.

Ryan opens the door, and finds Mikey standing at the kitchen counter, dressed in pajama bottoms and t-shirt, a mug held in his hands.

“Did I wake you?” Mikey says. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, I’m a light sleeper.” It’s something Ryan has to be, always aware of potential danger, even when he’s in place that’s supposedly safe.

“Do you want hot chocolate?” Without waiting for an answer Mikey takes milk from the fridge, pouring it into the pan that’s set on the stove. Adding powder, he stirs, his back to Ryan. “I used to wake up every night, and that was only after a few nights.”

If there’s one thing Ryan’s learned, it’s that there’s no only in his world. He’s seen people destroyed after working the streets once, and others who do it for years and still keep on going. People like Pete, and Ryan goes to look at the cat ears that are propped on the windowsill. “You kept them.”

“They’re my reminder to not get stuck.” Giving the hot chocolate another stir, Mikey goes to join Ryan, picking up the ears. “Have you decided what to do about Jon’s offer?”

“I don’t know.” It’s something Ryan thinks about often, he has done since Jon first offered him the money to buy himself out from Walt. “If I say yes he’ll have to get a loan. That’s a lot to ask of someone.”

“But he offered.”

It’s nothing Spencer hasn’t already said, and Jon, who keeps pointing out that he wants to do it, and at least his loan isn’t actually dangerous. But still, it feels like yet another step forward, and Ryan has to admit that he’s scared. “What if he does this and wants to leave later?”

“Then he’d go and you’d arrange to pay him back, the same as you’re going to now,” Mikey says, as if the answer is simple. Seeing the milk begin to bubble, he hands the ears to Ryan and goes back to the stove “You’re moving into the residential unit soon, it’s the perfect time to get away from Walt too.”

Ryan wishes he could be decisive and make a decision, but every time that he tries he imagines things going wrong. Spencer graduating his class then leaving, Jon finding someone new, the unit at Phoenix House being offered to someone else.

But it also means a fresh start, and Ryan reminds himself that even when circumstances suck, his friends always come through. From Spencer who’s been there from the beginning, to Mikey who drifted into Ryan’s life, and through texts and emails, is sticking around.

“There’s no whipped cream, sorry,” Mikey says, handing Ryan a mug. “But I added half the sugar bowl, just how you like it.”

Ryan takes a sip, and the hot chocolate is cloying in its sweetness, which means it’s just perfect. “I think I’m going to say yes.”

“Yeah?” Mikey says.

And even though Ryan’s terrified, half sure he’s making a mistake he says, “Yeah.”

“Good.” Mikey picks up his mug and taps it against Ryan’s. “To new beginnings.”

Together they drink.

Back to Master Post