Joey POV challenge
Feb. 14th, 2004 08:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
turpsI need to thank some people for their help with this story. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
patchworkdragon and grainnesgeul who both took the time to bounce ideas and look over bits of the story for me. kifty and ninjett75 who both beta read chunks of the fic at the start, and nopseud who was there when I realised the beginning of the story sucked and also pointed out a contrived plot line that was a huge mistake before beta reading it all. Thank you, all of you.
I've messed with this since they saw it so any mistake are mine and mine alone.
Thanks also go toxoverau who set up the challenge.
The Way Things Change
The walls of this hotel are paper-thin
Last night I heard you making love to him
The struggle mouth to mouth and limb to limb
The grunt of unity when he came in
Joey knows Lou's a heartless bastard. He tolerates him sure, and is grateful for the way he manages their careers but right now Joey wants to punch him so badly his fist is curled up in readiness. Joey wants to hit Lou in his gut, see him gasp in pain and fall to his knees. But Lou’s holed up in some expensive hotel, so Joey has to be content with savagely pushing bottles aside as he rummages in the bathroom cabinet until he eventually finds the painkillers.
Bottle in hand, Joey fills a glass with water then hesitates at the bathroom door for a moment, trying to wipe the scowl from his face. Not that Chris is looking his way, he’s still curled in the centre of the bed, face cradled on his hands and a soft pillow.
“You awake?” Setting the glass on the bedside table, Joey carefully sits down, popping the top from the bottle as Chris opens his eyes.
“Yeah.” Chris replies, wincing noticeably.
“I’ve found some Tylenol. Can you sit up?” About to offer his hand, Joey says nothing when Chris glares before sitting up, every movement deliberate and painful to see.
“Here.” Handing over two tablets, Joey watches as Chris carefully swallows them, then passes him the glass of water. Chris winces again when he drinks and Joey’s about to apologise for how cold it is when Chris cuts him off.
“I’m okay, Joey.” His tone leaves no room for argument, so Joey bites back his words, taking the empty glass and putting back on the table. “Want to see what’s on?”
Chris slides back down the bed into his nest of soft pillows so Joey takes the remote from its holder and begins to switch through channel after channel. He stops when he reaches a dubbed version of a Road Runner cartoon, looking at Chris to see if he approves, then feels anger shoot through him again when he sees Chris has his eyes closed, cheek resting on his open hand.
“Calm down and lie next to me.” Chris doesn’t open his eyes as he speaks, just pats the space next to him.
“How…”
“I can feel you bristling, now come on, lie down.” Chris opens one eye and glares as best he can.
“He had no right, Chris.” Wriggling so he’s stretched out next to Chris, Joey clenches his fists again and imagines pummeling Lou over and over. “You looked fine as you were. He’s just a controlling bastard.”
“Maybe, but he’s the bastard that’s paying for all this. Anyway, when I have my movie star smile you’ll be jealous.”
“In your dreams, Kirkpatrick.” Joey laughs, just as he knows Chris wants him too, but the laughter can’t drive away how pale Chris looks, or the memory of how Chris had stared at himself in the mirror when he thought no one was looking, gently touching the metal attached to his teeth, shoulders slumped before Justin came into the room and Chris pasted on a smile and loudly proclaimed how cool he looked. That memory is too raw and Joey is keeping it in his reasons I hate Lou mental file.
“I’ll be fine.” Chris looks more relaxed as the painkillers kick in, so Joey pulls the comforter over him. Then carefully strokes Chris’ cheek, as he turns down the TV.
Joey stays awake all night, supplying painkillers and comfort. In the morning he hates Lou more than ever.
~*~*~*~
I’m not going to die, it just feels that way. Joey lets go of JC’s hands, muscles aching as he bends over, gasping for breath.
“Joey, JC, Justin. Take a break. I’m going to work on the flip with Chris and Lance.”
Waving his hand in acknowledgement, Joey stands still until his breathing returns to normal. Then groaning theatrically he straightens, walking on rubbery legs to his bag with a detour to gently bop JC and Justin across the head as they practice dance steps. Joey firmly believes anyone that practices when they don’t need to deserve all they get.
Duty done, Joey lowers himself to the floor next to his bag, rummaging in it for his water and candy bar. Bottle open, Joey takes a long drink, then lets his head fall back against the wall, eyes half closed as he watches Lance and Chris.
The choreographer is explaining the flip to Lance, demonstrating by flipping Chris over, time and time again, until Chris complains of being dizzy. Lance looks dubious and Joey understands; flipping JC had been scary. Chris whispers something in Lance’s ear, winking at him before patiently standing still as Lance and the choreographer change places.
Justin and JC stop practicing, and Lance has to know that every eye is on him as he takes a breath loud enough for Joey to hear, then lets Chris kick over his head before reaching for his hands and quickly flipping him over. The move is greeted with claps and whistles, and Lance blushes as Chris jumps at him, loudly shouting he knew Lance could do it.
It’s a big deal for Lance who’s been worrying about the move since it was suggested and Joey’s happy for him. But he can’t help the flash of jealousy that consumes him when he sees Chris dancing Lance round the studio in some kind of victory waltz. They’re both laughing as Chris dips Lance lower and lower until they end up in a pile on the floor, arms and legs tangled together. The jealousy flares when Joey sees Lance’s hand is resting on Chris’ bare back, while Chris lies sprawled on Lance, one leg between Lance’s thighs. Joey bites his lip when Chris grins and the light flashes against his braces. Every time Joey sees them his stomach tightens, half anger, half some other emotion Joey doesn’t want to examine.
Joey keeps watching as Chris kisses Lance’s forehead before jumping up, but as Chris runs to Justin, Joey can’t help thinking what his old friends would say. How the scene would prove what a fag Chris is as he wraps himself round Justin, all clinging arms and noisy kisses. Not that Joey thinks like that, at least he tries not to.
The choreographer claps his hands to attract Chris’ attention and Joey knows the flip will be practiced again and again until it’s perfect. Preparing for a long wait, Joey starts to unwrap his candy bar, eating it as he watches Chris.
Lance has hold of Chris’ hands again, but this time he’s practicing changing his grip after Chris kicks over his head. The only way he can do that is if Chris is bent over, hands between his legs and Joey laughs as Chris sticks out his tongue, waggling it obscenely as he looks toward Joey through his own and Lance’s legs.
They flip and Joey thinks that one looks perfect, but it obviously isn’t as they take their positions again. It’s one too many flips for Joey and he lets his eyes close fully, shifting until he’s semi comfortable against the wall. It’s been a long day and Joey thinks a nap would be a good thing.
“Hey, Joey. You in there?” Joey opens his eyes, jumping when he sees JC standing over him. JC’s t-shirt is drenched in sweat and he has a towel draped round his neck which threatens to slide off when he holds out a hand to pull Joey up. “Come on, Lance and Justin are waiting, we figured we’d get showered then hit that café next to the hotel. The one that sells those things that taste so nice. You know, with the yellow bits and it crunches when you bite into it. What do you call them again?”
“Hell if I know.” Joey allows JC to pull him to his feet, feeling triumphant when his legs hold him up. “It doesn’t matter anyway, Chris will order for you.”
“Not tonight he won’t. He’s already gone to Peter’s; he’s gonna shower there then go onto a club. He said bye, weren’t you listening?”
“Guess not.” Joey grabs his bag, then follows JC, determined not to think of Chris with his latest date. Not that it matters to him if Chris is dating; Joey wants him to be happy. But telling himself that doesn’t help lessen the hurt.
~*~*~*~
Cold and damp after hurrying home in the rain, Joey says goodnight to Justin and Lance as they go to their own rooms. Happy and full, Joey strips off his clothes, and hangs them to dry on a chair while JC takes the first shower. A reward for being the one to risk the waitress’ laughter when ordering food with too many vowels and letters from the menu.
When JC finally leaves the bathroom in a cloud of steam. Joey’s shivering, wrapped only in a towel. But JC’s half asleep already so Joey lets him climb into bed without saying anything but goodnight. The frizzy curls from sleeping with damp hair will be punishment enough for hogging the shower.
The water feels wonderful when Joey steps in the shower, and he turns it as hot as he can stand, scalding the grime from his skin. Warm at last, Joey steps from the shower, wrapping a towel round his waist. JC is fast asleep, curled neatly at his side. JC sleeps small and deep, and Joey takes a moment to pull the blanket up, covering him against the cold.
Briskly, Joey dries himself then pulls on clean sweats before climbing into bed. He’s warm now but still shivers when the rain rattles the window, so snuggles further under the bedclothes. Drowsy, Joey’s on the verge of sleep when he hears a thump against the wall behind him. Heart hammering he sits up then relaxes when he hears Chris, no words just the pitch that Joey would know in his sleep.
Chris is laughing and Joey smiles too as he listens to the sounds from next door. Joey can hear low music, Chris talking, then another voice, much deeper than Chris’ own. Realising Peter must be in the room too, Joey fights the pang of jealousy once more and puts his hands over his ears, in a desperate attempt not to hear.
Joey can hear a squeaking bed and constant music and he can just about cope with that. What he can’t cope with is Chris’ moans, so Joey screws his eyes shut when Peter talks. Words unclear but the meaning obvious as the bed begins to thud against the wall and Joey hears Chris gasp and cry meaningless words.
Hands fisted in the covers, Joey can’t help imagining what’s happening on the other side of the wall, imagines Chris bent double, Peter kneeling over him. Can imagine Chris’ hair falling in his face as he’s fucked over and over, or his mouth on Peter’s cock, blowing him with enthusiasm.
Joey can’t stop the images that fill his head, and in that moment he hates Peter with a passion. Hates him for making Chris happy, and hates him for being so secure. Joey bites back a moan and releases the blankets, hand going to his own cock.
It’s seedy jerking off listening to his friend, but Joey can’t help it, just fists himself, matching his pace to the thumps against the wall. Aware of JC, he snatches up the blanket and bites it when he hears Chris gasp, voice much lower than usual. It’s enough to push Joey over the edge, and he shudders as heat flows through his body, collapsing against his pillows.
Joey can hear murmurs and laughter from the next room and jealousy burns bright. He feels dirty now, as if he’s used Chris in some way. His hand is warm and sticky and he wipes it on his abandoned towel then tucks away his limp cock. Joey’s never felt more alone than he does at that moment.
~*~*~*~
When Joey goes for breakfast the next day he’s bleary eyed and irritable due to lying awake in bed long after the room next door had gone quiet. Lance is the only one in the dining room and he beckons Joey to their table by waving a slice of toast in the air.
“I’ve got you a muffin, or they’ve got some kind of sausage too but I’m sure I recognised the word for blood on the menu so I passed.” Lance screws up his face as he pushes a muffin across the table. “I’ve still got the menu if you want to order.”
“No, I’m good.” Taking a bite of the muffin, Joey chews as Lance pours the coffee, then inhales the steam when Lance passes it over.
“Rough night?”
“Just didn’t sleep that well.”
Lance seems to find Joey’s reply funny. “I forgot. You’ve got the room next to Chris’. You weren’t sleeping next to the shared wall were you?” At Joey’s nod, Lance cracks up, and laughs behind his hand as Joey glares. “Sorry, it’s just last time I shared a wall with him he woke me up with his carrying on. Mama wasn’t pleased and went banging on his door and told him she didn’t care if he was having sex, but he had to do it quietly.”
Joey imagines Lance’s mom telling Chris off and laughs too. “He never said.”
“Well would you? I think that was why that barman broke up with him, scared off by my mama.” Lance laughs again, but Joey can’t, he’s too surprised at Lance’s words.
“Your mom knows?” He questions, and Lance nods.
“Sure. She’s known from the start. Chris told her when he told us. She even gave him the safe sex talk. I wish you’d seen his face after, I didn’t think he could blush like that.”
“So she doesn’t care?”
“Why should she?” Lance looks confused and waits for an answer that Joey can’t give.
“I think I’ll try some of that sausage.” Picking up the menu Joey tries to ignore Lance’s puzzled look. It seems his own mom isn’t the only mom to think being queer is no big deal.
~*~*~*~
“You want to go out tonight?” Joey looks up when Chris flops on the bed next to him, then has to lunge for the magazines he’s reading as they threaten to slide to the floor. “JC says he’s tired and I’m not in the mood to baby-sit the infants, so it’d be me and you.”
Hands full of magazines, Joey scowls as he stacks them safely on the floor. “What about Peter? He letting you off your leash?”
“And Fatone goes for the jugular!” Chris fakes an announcer’s voice, before kicking at Joey leg. “Who crawled up your ass and died?”
“I’m tired that’s all, but really, what’s up with Peter?” Joey’s curious. Chris’ been out every night, though thankfully he usually stays with Peter, coming back to the hotel in the early hours of the morning.
Chris’ smile drops and he looks rejected and alone. “We broke up this morning. He said it wasn’t working out. Guess the Kirkpatrick bad luck with men strikes again.” Chris lapses into silence and Joey pulls him into a one-armed hug. Chris leans into him, resting his head against Joey’s shoulder. “I should be used to it by now, let’s face it. I’m short, weird looking, have a girl’s voice and braces. I might as well be twelve.”
Joey feels his whole body tense at Chris’ words. He hates when Chris puts himself down, and hates Peter more for causing it. “There’s nothing wrong with the way you look. He’s an idiot.”
“You going to defend my honour?”
“Anytime. I’ll even shine my pistols for you.” Joey can feel Chris’ laughter against his shoulder, then relaxes his hold when Chris sits up.
“Never mind, like my mom says, there’s plenty more fish in the sea, which is why I’m going out tonight. You in?”
Joey knows he should say no. But knows he won’t. He’ll be going out alone with Chris tonight, it’s not like he has the strength to say no.
~*~*~*~
Later that night, Joey almost turns back when he sees where Chris has taken them, SchwuZ, a local gay club. It’s only Chris’ hand against the small of Joey’s back that keeps him moving forward, and if he’s honest, a little curiosity.
Joey’s tense when he walks into the club, expecting to be hit on at any moment and he stays close to Chris as they push their way to the bar. Chris doesn’t notice Joey’s mood, or if he does doesn’t say anything. Instead, Chris grins at Joey, eyes gleaming as he pushes his freaky hair back from his face, braces shining bright against white teeth, all self doubt gone. Chris is all movement, hands tapping against the bar, hips swinging as he dances in place to the beat. Joey can feel the energy seeping from him and wants to touch, wondering if his skin will tingle if he does.
Of course it doesn’t. Chris is just a man, an ordinary man who Joey’s seen at his worst. But that doesn’t matter- Joey still wants him and that want is amplified tonight when Chris is all sleek sexuality and it’s all Joey can do not to sit and stare.
“Pay the lady then, Joey. Sheesh.” Chris waves his hand in front of Joey’s eyes. “I’ll get us a table, okay?”
Joey doesn’t answer, just watches bemused as Chris squeezes through a group of men, laughing as they say something Joey can’t hear. The barmaid coughs and Joey turns back to her, wondering how he got stuck with paying again. Carefully counting out the correct amount of Deutschmarks he pays then follows Chris, finding him at a booth overlooking the dance-floor.
Chris is sitting in the middle of the curved seat and Joey hesitates a moment. The booths are designed for intimacy, high sided and dark and Joey knows he’ll have to squash in next to Chris, something that fills Joey with both fear and excitement.
“Hey, Fatone. I’m dying of thirst here.” Chris waves his hand to attracted Joey’s attention and Joey slides into the booth, pushing Chris’ beer toward him.
“Here. Not that you deserve it, leaving me to pay again.” Joey tries to look stern but knows he’s failed when Chris just looks before taking a long swallow of his beer. It takes all of Joey’s willpower not to groan when Chris tips his head back, exposing his throat, or to lean forward and wipe the bead of liquid at the corner of Chris’ lips, using his fingers or better still his tongue.
“Anyway, you asked me out. You should pay.” Suddenly aware Chris is talking, Joey removes himself from his fantasy involving Chris’ lips and listens to what he’s saying. “Everyone knows that.”
“Knows what?” Joey’s confused and blushes a little at being caught not listening.
“That you have to pay for me, because you asked me out.” Chris sounds like he means every word and Joey picks at the label of his bottle. He can’t remember asking Chris out. In fact he can remember Chris asking him out.
“I didn’t ask you out.” Joey’s convinced of that but Chris just keeps looking at him, expression serious.
“You didn’t want to ask me out?” Chris pouts and Joey’s belly tightens before he remembers all the hours Justin and Chris had spent in front of a mirror perfecting the expression.
“No, I didn’t ask you out. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t, but even if I did I wouldn’t pay for you all night. There’s such a thing as women’s lib you know.”
Chris seems taken aback for a moment and Joey tries to think what he just said, realising the same moment Chris starts talking.
“Just one thing wrong with that statement, Joey -- voice notwithstanding, I’m no woman.” Chris’s whole body is vibrating and Joey knows he’s about to start laughing any moment. “If you want I’ll prove it to you.”
“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Joey manages to pull the words from his dry throat, thankful he sounds indifferent despite the way his heart is hammering at the thought of Chris naked.
“Your loss, my fine ass could have been yours to see. I’ll keep it for those that appreciate it, eh.”
Shocked at how much he does want to see Chris’ ass, Joey takes a long drink of his beer, letting the cool liquid distract him from thoughts of Chris naked. Hyper aware of Chris’ leg pressed against his, Joey keeps drinking, thumping the bottle down when he’s done. “I’m going to get another. Want one?”
Chris looks at Joey thoughtfully, then shakes his head. “Not for me, I’m going to dance.” Chris stands, using Joey’s shoulder as balance as he edges out of the booth. “Join me later?”
Chris stands on the edge of the dance floor, body already moving in time to the music. He looks all sharp angles and hard lines as a spotlight flashes on and off and Joey thinks at that moment Chris is the most perfect, and the most dangerous, thing that he’s seen. Chris is too tempting and Joey doesn’t want him to be. Because every time Joey looks at Chris he’s reminded that he’s something that he never wanted to be. “Maybe.” Joey replied.
Chris seems satisfied with that and waves before pushing into the mass of people. Joey goes to get another beer. Tonight’s going to be a long night.
Multiple beers later and Joey’s feeling no pain. Slumped in a chair he stares as people walk past in a haze of shape and colour. He’s been watching Chris for the last two hours - beautiful, quick, loving Chris - gathering his courage to get up and dance. To push his way into the circle where Chris reigns supreme as he jumps and laughs and dispels some of the pent-up energy he always carries with him.
It should be easy, just walk over and dance. But somehow it seems like a huge step, announcing that he wants to dance with Chris, and isn’t that stepping over the line for friends? Joey keeps telling himself don’t be stupid, but the seeds of doubt remain.
Joey tries to push them away, helped by bottle after bottle of beer, leaving any doubts hidden under a veil of alcohol. Standing, Joey staggers a little then pushes his way onto the dance-floor. His world turns red then blue and back again as the lights flash and he laughs as the beat of the music echoes through his body. People smile at him, and he smiles back but slips away from any reaching hands or blatant looks, zeroing in on Chris.
Chris is still dancing wildly -- shirt clinging to his back with sweat, head back, arms wide as he loses himself in the music. Joey moves behind him, knowing what he wants and presses his body close, hips grinding against Chris’ ass. Chris looks up and back, smile widening as he sees Joey. Wrapping his arms around Chris, Joey dips his head, quickly kissing Chris’ forehead, then runs his tongue over his own lips, tasting Chris on them.
For a moment Chris is serious, smile fading as he touches his own forehead, then he shakes his head a little, hair brushing against Joey’s neck before smiling once more. Joey’s happy, he likes to see Chris smile, so he tightens his hold and starts to move. Hips pushing, hands splayed across Chris’ belly. It feels amazing and Joey knows he’s hard but doesn’t care, just holds tight and moves.
They dance until Chris gently untangles himself from Joey’s grip, taking him by the hand. “Come on man, it’s late.”
About to protest, Joey swallows the words when Chris tugs at his hand and his whole world starts to tip.
“How much have you had to drink?” Chris sounds amused and holds onto Joey’s arm as he steers him out of the club, something solid that Joey can lean on when everything else seems to be swaying under his feet.
“Not that many.” At least Joey doesn’t think it’s that many -- he can’t really remember.
“Yeah? Well however many it was it was too many.” Chris pulls Joey’s arm over his shoulder as they walk outside. It’s cold and Joey can feel his stomach churn as they walk slowly toward their hotel. The cold and silence, so different to inside the club, hits Joey hard and he suddenly pulls away from Chris, bending almost double at the curb as all the beer he drank makes a reappearance.
“Not that many.” Chris sounds resigned and Joey moans a little, clutching at his stomach in misery. Joey can feel Chris rubbing his back gently and tries to focus on that as his stomach twists again and again until he’s painfully dry heaving.
“Come on, you’ll be okay. Shush, it’s okay, everything’s fine.” Chris is whispering soft words of comfort and Joey clutches at them like a lifeline. Finally spent, Joey straightens, trying to wave Chris away when he pulls Joey’s arm across his shoulder. “You’ll get puke on you.”
“So? I’ll wash. Now come on.” Chris starts to walk slowly and Joey allows himself to be steered along. He feels weak, letting Chris take a lot of his weight, but that’s okay, because Chris will take it. He always does. It’s one of the reasons Joey loves him so much.
“I love you.” The words slip out before Joey can stop them and for a moment he thinks he’s going to be sick again, but Chris just keeps on walking, staring ahead with a half smile.
“You’ve got a nice way of showing it, barfing on my shoes.” Chris smiles to take the sting out of the words, but Joey needs him to know he meant it.
“No, I really love you, Chris.”
“Yeah, I know.” This time Chris does stop, turning so he can look Joey in the eye. He looks sad, eyes dark with shadows as he rests his hand on Joey’s chest. “I love you too, but this isn’t the right time for this. Tell me again when you’re sober and we’ll talk.”
It feels like a brush off and Joey feels his eyes start to tear up. All he wants to do is be in his own bed where he can nurse his aching heart and stomach.
“Oh hey, don’t do this now. Come on, Joey. We’re nearly home then you can go to bed and forget this ever happened. Come on.” Chris starts to move and Joey does too. They both stay silent and Joey falls half asleep, trusting Chris to get him back to his own bed.
Joey hears Chris curse as he fumbles for their room key and feels cool hands on his body as his damp shirt is peeled from his body. Then a glass of water is pushed into his hands, Chris holding them steady as Joey drinks as ordered. Then finally he feels the welcome softness of his bed as he collapses into it and the soft brush of a kiss on his forehead. Then nothing.
~*~*~*~
Pain flares bright and fierce when Joey opens his eyes. Groaning he presses his head into the pillow, flinching at the feel of scratchy fabric against his over sensitive skin.
“Here, you look like you need this.” With a superhuman effort, Joey manages to turn on his side and sees JC sitting cross-legged on the floor next to him. “Open wide.” JC drops two tablets into Joey’s mouth and Joey thinks he should protest that he’s not a child, if only it wasn’t so much effort. Instead he reaches blindly for the glass that JC holds, taking a long drink of water before he lets his head drop with one last pitiful moan.
“Good night?” JC asks, and Joey wonders if he’s being mocked. JC looks sincere so Joey tries to remember if he did have a good night, blanching when the memories return.
“I think I may have done something really stupid.” Joey almost whispers the words. “I told Chris I loved him.”
“You do that every time you get drunk.” JC laughs, eyes screwing up as he clumsily pats Joey’s blanket-covered leg. “Remember two weeks ago? You told that woman you loved her and she was at least sixty with no teeth.”
“I mean really love him. In that way.” Joey makes a gesture with his hand and hears JC take a sudden intake of breath.
“Oh. I didn’t…” JC’s hands fly as if he’s painting pictures in the air. It hurts Joey just looking at them. “It’s just, you were always with the girls, and if I’d known I would have fixed you up with this great guy I know. Not that Chris isn’t. Great I mean.”
JC looks thoughtful and Joey wishes he had the ability to sit up without his head falling off -- he has an idea that this conversation would be better with him upright. “He is great. But. I don’t even know if I’m like that.”
“You don’t know if you’re what? Gay?” JC questions, and Joey can’t blame him for being confused. “Isn’t that a drawback to the whole loving Chris thing? Because, he loves you but he loves gay type stuff too. Chris and his dick are close, I doubt he could do the celibate lovers thing.”
Joey tries to organise his thoughts enough so he can answer, opens his mouth then closes it again, scratches at his ear then tries again. “I don’t want Chris to be celibate. It’s just. I want to do things with him, but don’t think I can.” Cringing at how pitiful he sounds, Joey pushes back the covers, embarrassment giving him the strength to ignore his pounding head and rolling stomach. “I’m going to shower, okay?”
“No, wait.” JC sits on the bed, stopping Joey from getting up. “I don’t understand. I’m not pushing you or anything, but why would it be so bad if you did want him that way?”
Put on the spot, Joey doesn’t know what to say, how to explain things to JC while he can’t even explain to himself. JC seems to see this and fills the awkward silence.
“You don’t have a problem with Chris being gay. At least if you do you keep it well hidden. You don’t have a problem do you?” JC looks distressed at the thought and Joey hurries to reassure him.
“No, not now anyway. I did at first but that was years ago.”
“You did?” JC seems interested and Joey knows he’ll have to tell all or else have JC looking at him all hurt for the next few weeks.
“Yeah. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’d blame my age but Lance is the same age and he didn’t react like I did.” Joey hesitates - he hasn’t told anyone this before and it’s hard to do so now. “You know Chris and I were friends at Universal, we used to hang and I saw him flirting with guys but it didn’t sink in. He told me when we were coming back from this dive. Remember that old rust bucket he had? It broke down again so we had to walk home after our ride got lucky. So we’re walking back, just talking bull when he stops dead like he was going to hurl but he said he needed to tell me something. I thought he was going to say he was getting married, or knocked someone up. Ironic, huh? Then he told me, just said he liked men. I didn’t react very well -- I told him he couldn’t be a fag, then walked off and left him. I was an ass.”
“Yeah, you were.” JC is listening intently, but his hand is stroking Joey’s leg, suggesting he’s not going to punch anything any time soon. “But you went back, right?”
“No. I didn’t see him for over a week. I swapped shifts so I didn’t see him at work and wouldn’t answer his calls. Then mom found out. She ripped me a new one when she found out what I was doing.” Joey stops talking, remembering the shame he’d felt as his mom went from anger to disappointment within minutes. “She was angry, kept asking why I was hiding from him. When I told her, she was so disappointed. I couldn’t even explain why I was hiding, and mom didn’t think, because he’s queer was a good enough excuse. She made me tell her why I had ideas like that, and you know the stupid thing? I couldn’t even tell her. All I knew was being gay was bad because the guys in my old neighbourhood used to say so. Anyway, long story short, she threatened to ground me if I didn’t invite Chris over for dinner.”
“Did you?”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to be grounded either, and she would have, you know that, it didn’t matter how old I was.” Joey rubs his temples, trying to ease the headache that threatened to split his skull. “I wish I could say I saw Chris and everything was fine, it wasn’t that easy. I’d hurt him and nothing would take that back. But we talked and eventually it became easier to take.”
“So you’re okay with Chris being gay” JC looks like he’s sorting things out in his head, so Joey stays silent, aching head propped on his hands. “But you don’t want to be gay yourself, even though you want Chris. You do want him, right?”
“Yeah, he’s not the problem, I am.” And it was a big problem, Joey knows that. “I have to shower, C. I’m feeling rank here.”
“You smell it too.” JC moves so Joey can get out of bed, hugging him before he stood. “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. I’m proud of you.”
“You shouldn’t be.” Joey knows that. He’s done nothing to be proud of except let his own fears rule. “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”
“You came out to me, man. Maybe in a weird I don’t know if this is what I want, way but still, you came out to me.” JC smiles, standing up with fluid grace and kisses the top of Joey’s head. “You’ll work things out. Just don’t mess Chris about, or I’ll have to kick your ass and Justin will piss in your coffee for the next ten years.”
“You won’t tell them?” Joey hates how unsure he sounds, but all JC does is shake his head.
“It’s not my secret to tell.” And Joey knows he’s he won’t.
~*~*~*~
Clean after his shower, Joey quickly dries himself and pulls on his clothes. It’s a day off, something he’s pathetically grateful for. His head is still pounding, even when muted by painkillers and all Joey feels up to is lying on his bed and dying in peace. But first he needs food for his death bed, maybe some candy and chips from the shop next door.
Making sure the German phrases list Chris had made was in his pocket; Joey locks his door then is almost pushed back through it when Justin speeds down the hall on his roller blades. Justin yells as he goes round the corner and Joey covers his ears, knowing what’s coming. Sure enough within seconds Chris speeds past too, shrieking as loud as he can, which is very loud and very high pitched.
Joey feels a blast of air as Chris goes past then thinks about going back into his room when he sees Chris stop and wait for him. But Joey knows how persistent Chris can be. It’s better to face things now than have Chris banging on his door all day. Joey needs to know if Chris is going to punch him out, and it’s better to find that out now.
“Hey.” Chris skates up then moves backwards as Joey walks “You feeling better?”
“A bit, going for some death bed supplies.”
Chris laughs and Joey’s feel his mouth drop open when he sees Chris’ teeth. “Your teeth. They’re…”
“Zebra striped.” Chris smiles wide, showing a mouthful of zebra stripes before pulling at them with his hand. “I needed a gum shield to skate because of the braces. I thought this was the best one.”
Waving the shield in the air, Joey can’t help looking from it to Chris’ braces and back again. “Don’t they hurt?”
“Just when they get tightened, but they’re okay mostly. I’m thinking of getting coloured bands next time. What do you think, pink or blue?”
“Pink or blue what?” Joey asks, confused. He can’t seem to stop looking at the bands of silver that snake across Chris’ teeth so Chris’ question goes straight over his head.
“You’re getting as big a flake as, C.” Chris points at his mouth. “Here, look there, those bands get changed and I was thinking of getting coloured ones, so blue or pink?”
“Erm, pink.” Joey replies, not thinking what he’s saying. All he can focus on is Chris’ mouth so he jumps when Chris yells and does a quick spin.
“Ha! Wait until I tell Justin, he said pink was too girlie. Thanks, Joey.” Chris grabs Joey in a hug, a strange hug considering he’s as tall as Joey for the first time, then slips his mouth guard in as he chases after Justin, leaving Joey dazed and incredibly turned on.
Joey doesn’t get his deathbed goodies; it’s all he can do to get back to his room before he comes in his pants.
~*~*~*~
“You want something?” Lance looks up from his book, eyebrow raised as Joey stands awkwardly in the doorway.
Joey can’t bring himself to enter the room. He really needs to talk to someone, but doesn’t know if he can actually form the words. Lance watches him, looking concerned and finally puts his book down, carefully marking the page.
“Here. Sit and talk.” Lance pats a space next to him on the bed and Joey reluctantly walks into the room, fighting against the voice in his head that urges him to run away, that no one else needs to know. But he goes on and sits, body tense as Lance twists sideward, one leg curled under him so he can give Joey all his attention.
Lance is silent, waiting for Joey to speak and Joey knows the issue has just been forced. Lance won’t let him hide away, not anymore and Joey’s stomach clenches at the realisation. But this is Lance, only Lance, he can talk to him. “I’m okay, well sort of. The thing is… There’s something, and I don’t want to be like that but I can’t help it. And he’s so beautiful, but I just can’t.”
“Whoa, slow down.” Lance pats Joey’s leg, then leaves his hand there, warm and comforting. “You’re not making any sense. Tell me again, but slower this time.”
“I think I’m gay.” The words rush out and Joey waits for Lance to say something.
He says nothing at first and the silence is deafening. It’s an uncomfortable silence and Joey stands, needing to flee to his room. “I’m sorry, I’m going, okay?”
“No, wait.” Lance reaches for Joey’s arm, pulling him back down. “Give me a moment; this is a big thing you know? It was the last thing I expected, I thought you’d knocked someone up, or caught the clap, or something…” Lance trails off, blushing slightly when Joey laughs.
“Nice list there. At least you got the sex part right.” Joey feels bad as soon as the words leave his mouth. Lance looks unsure, as if he doesn’t know if he should go on so Joey apologises. “Sorry. I’m being an ass.”
Lance still looks unsure as his fingers flex against Joey’s leg in a comforting rhythm. “I don’t know what to say. You know I’ll support you whatever, right? And I don’t have a problem with you liking men like that. It’s just; it’s a bit sudden isn’t it?”
“Not really. Well I guess the wanting to have sex with him side is, but I’ve loved him for a long time.”
“I love you, Joey, but I’m warning you. I never want to hear what you want to do to Chris.” Lance blushes and Joey nods in agreement before doing a double take when his mind processed the words.
“Wait, who said it was Chris?”
“You did just now.” Lance laughs. “Seriously, it was a guess. I just assumed Chris would be the logical choice, what with him being out and all.”
“That’s flimsy reasoning.” Joey teases, then manages a smile at Lance’s splutter of outrage.
“Give me a break. I think I’m doing great for what you just dropped on me. It’s not like you gave any hints.”
“I’ll wear pink and flame next time shall I?”
“If you don’t mind.” Lance smiles then turns serious. “Really, why didn’t you say something before?”
Joey wonders that himself now and is ashamed for not going to Lance sooner. “It’s just. I didn’t want to feel like this. I don’t do guys, it’s not who I am, who I want to be. Telling you would have been admitting it and I didn’t want that.”
“But you had to tell someone now?” Lance looks questionably as Joey.
“Yeah, but I’ve already told JC. It slipped out when I was hung-over. Not that it helped, I still have to lie there and listen as Chris brings his daes back here and I imagine myself in their place. Do you know how ashamed that makes me feel? That I get off listening to one of my best friends having sex in the next room.” Joel feels his face heat up in remembrance, putting his head in his hands as Lance pats him absently on the leg as he thinks about what Joey said.
“So, you love Chris, but you don’t want to be seen as gay or bi. You have to see that makes no sense. It has to be all or nothing, it’s not fair to Chris otherwise.”
“You’re not shocked or disgusted or anything?”
“Why should I be?” Lance said, sounding annoyed. “I’ve never said anything about Chris. I don’t care who people sleep with as long as they’re happy. Chris is Chris, you’re you, and I love you both even if I do think you’re an idiot for thinking I’d be disgusted.”
“Sorry.” It’s all Joey can think to say and he turns away from Lance.
“Hey, it’s okay. I know you’re mixed up just now. I mean you want Chris.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Chris, have you seen him? He’s gorgeous and…” Joey stops when he sees Lance is openly laughing. “You’re a freak, Bass.”
“You really like him?” said Lance, deadly serious now.
“I do. He’s just…” Joey stops, unable to vocalise just what Chris means to him. “I watch him you know. When he dances, the way he laughs. He looks so happy, and I just want it to be me who makes him that way, but it can’t be. Because I’m a coward and can’t admit that I may be different to what I want to be.”
“Aw, Joey. You should have told me.” Lance moves until he’s holding Joey, arms tight around him. “I know it’s hard but you’ll get through this. Does Chris know how you feel?”
“No.” Joey shakes his head. “And he’s not going to either. I need time, Lance.”
“You’ve got it, but you can’t let this go on too long.”
Joey knows he’s right and nods. Chris deserves to be happy, that’s one thing Joey does know.
~*~*~*~
It’s at times like this that Joey wonders why he ever wanted to be in a boyband. His feet hurt, his legs hurt, even his hair seems to hurt, lying too heavy on his skull. It doesn’t help that Justin flies along the corridor, chased by Chris as they shout about movie dibs and popcorn. Joey keeps walking; thinking about how the youngest and oldest of them have more energy than he does just depresses him.
Movie night is in Joey and JC’s room tonight. Normally Joey prefers it that way, since it means he has owner rights over the soft pillows and best spot on the bed. But tonight all Joey wants to do is sleep; he’s had too many late nights lately, trying to sort out his own beliefs.
Bag thrown in the corner, Joey pushes Justin over the bed, squashing against him as Chris makes a ceremony of putting a movie into the machine. Lance and JC have bagged the other bed, already dressed in their night clothes, so Chris looks from one bed to the other while taking off his pants and sweater, before he jumps in the space between Lance’s legs, making him screech about nipped skin in a pitch Joey’s never heard come from Lance’s mouth.
Eventually, after much petting from JC and sorrys spoiled by badly hidden laughter from Chris, Lance stops trying to throw Chris from the bed and lets him lie against him. Lance’s arm is hooked over Chris’s shoulder, his hand resting against Chris’ chest. Joey knows he’s doing it to stop Chris moving, but still, Joey can’t help feeling jealous and spends more time looking at them than the movie.
“Just tell him.” Justin whispers in Joey’s ear and Joey has to stop himself from shouting out loud.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joey hisses back before pointedly shifting so his ear is away from Justin’s mouth. But Justin doesn’t give up, just slides over Joey’s body until all Joey can hear is Justin breathing. “JC told me.”
Joey’s angry and turns away but Justin seems to turn right with him. “I made him tell me, I was worried, I thought…”
“I’d knocked someone up or had the clap. I’ve heard that one.”
Joey can’t see Justin’s expression, but he can feel his reaction as Justin’s body slumps. “I wasn’t going to say that. I thought you were sick, but JC said you were just mixed up. I don’t see why; just ask him out, he won’t say no.”
“It’s not that simple.” Joey whispers back, and it isn’t, at least not for him. “It’s okay for you. You’ve known what you wanted for years. I don’t.”
“Sure you do.” Justin shifts in the dark so Joey can see his face in the light cast by the TV. “You want Chris. I’ve seen you. So go get him already.”
“I’ve told you…”
“And I’m telling you, it’s as simple as you make it, now go get him.”
“God, Justin. You’re a kid, what do you know?” Joey feels mean saying it, but as far as he’s concerned it’s true.
“I know Chris, I know you. I know you’d be happy together. I might be a kid but I know a lot more than you do.” Justin slides off Joey, leaving him feeling pole axed. The others are still watching the movie, and none of them have heard the whispered conversation. Joey looks at Chris, feels heat shoot through his body when Chris yawns, and his braces flash in the darkness. Joey wants Chris, and maybe it is that simple, all Joey knows is he can’t think of any more excuses.
“Hey, Chris. Can we talk?” The words slip out, and Joey wants to hide under the covers, but Justin’s muted shout of joy helps to convince him this is the right thing to do.
“What now? Luke’s about to meet Han.” Joey almost loses his nerve again, but Justin pinches him hard on the leg and he says, “Yes, now, outside.”
Chris still hesitates, then suddenly jumps from the bed. Joey thinks he might have seen Lance push him off but he’s not sure. What he is sure of is the trio of thumbs up he receives when Chris looks away.
The problem is once Joey has Chris alone in the corridor he doesn’t know what to say. Any words in his head have dried up and all he can do is lick his lips as Chris looks up at him, all dark eyes and serious expression.
“What’s up?” Joey is getting desperate, then Chris touches him, fingers gripping Joey’s arm and it’s like a damn’s been broken.
“I was talking to Justin and he said that I should get you. Because I want that. To get you. I mean, I like you, like you a lot, in that way and I know this is probably a shock but can I kiss you?”
Joey feels light headed when he’s finished, he’s no idea what he just said. Just that he asked Chris’ permission to kiss him and all he’s doing is standing staring with wide-eyed shock. The silence stretches and Joey knows Chris is thinking how to say no, and he just can’t hear that. He did what Justin said, and he failed. There’s only one way that Joey can cope with that. He runs, as far and as fast as he can.
~*~*~*~
It’s raining, but Joey just curls up a little more, arms tight round his body. The wall he’s sitting on is cold and people are looking at him like he’s insane. But Joey ignores them, there’s nowhere else he wants to go. This wall is perfect for now.
“Joey.” Ignoring Chris’ voice, Joey keeps looking at the sidewalk, concentrating on the tiny cracks, trying not to see Chris. But it’s an effort doomed to failure, especially when Chris’s feet come into view, battered sneakers with untied laces.
“Your laces are loose.” Joey still doesn’t look up, talking to the ground.
“Yeah? Well I had to chase after some idiot, so didn’t really get the chance to tie them. Damn, Joey. What the hell were you thinking?” Chris’ feet move, toes tapping against the wet ground. Joey watches the tiny splashes, the slickness of the sidewalk, the matted hair on Chris’ ankles, the once-white laces; anything to stop himself looking up. He can’t face seeing Chris, seeing pity or anger.
“I don’t get you, Joey.” Chris’ feet move closer, and now Joey can see more of him, sturdy legs covered in dark hair, until Chris is standing mere inches away. “You can’t say things like that then run away. You’re driving me crazy. More than I am already even.”
Chris sounds frustrated, and Joey gathers all his courage, knows he has to say something. “I’m sor…” the words die Joey’s mouth as he looks up. Chris is still wearing his sleep shorts and t-shirt, an outfit that’s totally unsuited for the rain. “Fuck, Chris. You’re indecent.” Joey pulls his sweater off, it’s wet through but at least it’ll cover Chris, whose clothes are plastered against his body like a second skin. “Put this on.”
“I told you, I had to chase after some idiot. I didn’t have a chance to change. You’re lucky I’ve got shoes on.” Chris pulls on Joey’s sweater, grimacing as he pushes his arms into the wet fabric. It’s too big, hanging to mid thigh, but in this case that’s a good thing.
“You should have stayed inside. I’m okay.”
“Yeah, right.” Chris gives Joey a look, pulling at the sweater so it stretches as far as it can go. “Like I was going to let you run off after what you said.”
Joey feels himself blush at the memory, every-cringe worthy word seared in his mind. “About that, I’m sorr…” Again the apology is cut off, this time by Chris’ hand across Joey’s mouth.
“Don’t finish that sentence if you know what’s good for you.” Chris waits until Joey nods before taking his hand away and Joey licks at his lips a little, imagining he can taste Chris on his skin. “You’ve got nothing to apologise for. I suppose if we're getting technical I should say sorry for not having said anything back then. It’s just. I’ve been giving you space.”
“Space for what?” Joey’s confused and watches Chris as he obviously struggles for the right words.
“That night. When we were coming home from the club. You said that you loved me, and I said we’d talk in the morning. You never came, so I figured you were freaking out again.”
“You could have come to me.”
“Yeah, I could have. But last time I came to you with stuff like that you looked at me like I was scum then avoided me for a week. I didn’t want that to happen again. I can’t lose your friendship, it’s too important.”
“You wouldn’t have lost it.”
“Yeah? That’s what I thought then, too.” Chris steps away from Joey, expression somber.
“I’m sorry.” The words are inadequate, and Joey knows it, but it’s all he can say. “We should have talked back then.”
“We should have. But there’s no point living in the past. What’s gone is gone and we can’t change it. Anyway, I’ve got a feeling your issues may have lessened.”
“Yes. Maybe. Hell, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know if I’m attracted to men, or just you. Or if this is a phase or if I’m going insane.” Joey’s head is aching and he rubs at his temples as Chris stands still, staring compassionately at him. “I never thought I’d be like this. Have feelings for a man. It’s not how I saw myself.”
“Does that man know you have feelings for him?” Chris smiles and Joey can’t help smiling back a little.
“I guess he does.”
“So has he ever said anything to make you think he’d be mad about you wanting to kiss him?”
“No.”
“I’ll give you one piece of advice then. I can’t help you with how you feel. Only you can do that, but if you want to kiss someone just do it.”
“What if they don’t want me to kiss them?”
“Well in that case…” Suddenly Chris stops. “Damn, Joe. Just kiss me already before I get frost bite.”
As seductions went it wasn’t the best, and Joey was still confused about a lot of things, but faced with an armful of Chris, with his bare legs, sodden hair and eyes that looked huge in his pale face, Joey can’t resist.
“Damn.” Joey said, reaching for Chris and pulling him close between his open legs. Chris fit against him perfectly, and Joey holds him tight, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other tracing along Chris’ jaw. Chris’ mouth opens readily under his and Joey takes full advantage, sweeping his tongue inside, exploring and feeling, the hotness of the roof of Chris’ mouth, the smoothness of his teeth, the cool bite of metal as Joey traces Chris’ braces, tongue running gently over each fixing and wire.
Chris moans into Joey’s mouth then pulls back. “We’re in public, lets take this back to the hotel.”
Joey can feel Chris shivering under his hands, he’d like to think he was the cause of it, but somehow Joey thinks the combination of wet clothes, rain and cold are the main contributing factors. Inching off the wall, Joey stands then reaches for Chris’ hand, threading their fingers together. It feels daring, like he’s giving his own fears the finger by standing hand in hand with Chris in public. Of course it would be more daring if the streets weren’t deserted and the rain teeming down, but it is a step, even if it’s a small one.
“Come on.” Joey holds Chris’ hand for a while, enjoying the feel of their joined fingers as they walk, then pulls away as their hotel comes into view. Chris shakes his head when Joey lets go, but says nothing as he walks past the porter with his head held high, as if he walked in the rain in nothing but an oversized sweater every day. Joey just smiles awkwardly, every word of German slipping from his head as he stands behind Chris, who’s waiting for the elevator, shielding him with his body from curious stares.
Inside the elevator, Joey feels awkward and unsure. Chris is leaning against the wall, staring into space. Joey could reach out his hand and touch him, but he doesn’t. Just stays against his own wall.
“I didn’t want to force you.” Chris says, still staring straight ahead, arms wrapped around his own body. “I still don’t. I’ll wait for you, as long as it takes. Just. Don’t take too long.” The elevator dings and Chris starts to exit, then has to stop when Joey leans forward, pressing the close door then stop buttons.
“Wait. You never answered my question.”
Chris looks confused. “What question?”
“”When I asked if I could kiss you.” Joey stepped closer resting his hands on Chris’ shoulders.
“I thought the fact that we kissed covered that.”
“No, I need a real answer. So, can I?” Joey’s thumbs stroked across Chris’ neck making him shiver with each touch.
“You think I’m going to say no?” Chris sounds incredulous, and it’s the only answer Joey needs. Pulling Chris close he bends down, hands moving to Chris’ hair, pushing his hands into the damp strands. Chris stares up at him and Joey can see nothing but love in his expression, there’s no awkwardness, no wondering if they’re doing the wrong thing. Chris’ guard is down and Joey knows he has the ability to break his heart again, like he did so many years ago. But he won’t do that; can’t do that. Right at this moment Chris is everything to him, and he needs to show him that.
Joey kisses carefully at first, hesitant, worshiping Chris’ mouth as he uses his tongue to explore, across slightly chapped lips, darting into Chris’ mouth and staying there, where it’s so hot and wet. Chris moans, and Joey recognises the sound and reacts to it instinctively, tightening his hold, crushing Chris to his body as he moves them blindly back. Chris is trapped between the wall and Joey, and presses himself lewdly against Joey’s thigh. Joey returns the gesture and they grind together as Joey deepens the kiss, making it dirty as he sucks on Chris’ tongue, feeling the tang of metal as he sweeps past Chris’ braces, the contrast between hard steel and soft warm flesh making Joey light headed.
Finally, sense prevails and Joey reluctantly pulls back. “We can’t stay here; can I come back to your room?”
Chris doesn’t answer at first, and Joey starts to worry before Chris shakes his head, making droplets of water fly through the air. “You ask some stupid questions.” But he laughs as he says it, so Joey grabs his hand, threading their fingers together once again.
“We need some dry clothes, then I think we need to talk, even if it is a few years too late.”
“Okay.” Chris squeezes Joey’s hand. “But we’ll kiss more later, right?”
“Among other things.” And Joey means it, he wants to try everything, but not yet, everything else can wait until they’ve talked. But Joey knows they will happen, and as Chris opens the door to his room, Joey can’t stop smiling, especially when he hears a giggle and sees three hands complete with upraised thumbs sticking from his and JC’s room.
But they’ll have to wait; Joey has more important things to do.
patchworkdragon and grainnesgeul who both took the time to bounce ideas and look over bits of the story for me. kifty and ninjett75 who both beta read chunks of the fic at the start, and nopseud who was there when I realised the beginning of the story sucked and also pointed out a contrived plot line that was a huge mistake before beta reading it all. Thank you, all of you.I've messed with this since they saw it so any mistake are mine and mine alone.
Thanks also go to
xoverau who set up the challenge.The walls of this hotel are paper-thin
Last night I heard you making love to him
The struggle mouth to mouth and limb to limb
The grunt of unity when he came in
Joey knows Lou's a heartless bastard. He tolerates him sure, and is grateful for the way he manages their careers but right now Joey wants to punch him so badly his fist is curled up in readiness. Joey wants to hit Lou in his gut, see him gasp in pain and fall to his knees. But Lou’s holed up in some expensive hotel, so Joey has to be content with savagely pushing bottles aside as he rummages in the bathroom cabinet until he eventually finds the painkillers.
Bottle in hand, Joey fills a glass with water then hesitates at the bathroom door for a moment, trying to wipe the scowl from his face. Not that Chris is looking his way, he’s still curled in the centre of the bed, face cradled on his hands and a soft pillow.
“You awake?” Setting the glass on the bedside table, Joey carefully sits down, popping the top from the bottle as Chris opens his eyes.
“Yeah.” Chris replies, wincing noticeably.
“I’ve found some Tylenol. Can you sit up?” About to offer his hand, Joey says nothing when Chris glares before sitting up, every movement deliberate and painful to see.
“Here.” Handing over two tablets, Joey watches as Chris carefully swallows them, then passes him the glass of water. Chris winces again when he drinks and Joey’s about to apologise for how cold it is when Chris cuts him off.
“I’m okay, Joey.” His tone leaves no room for argument, so Joey bites back his words, taking the empty glass and putting back on the table. “Want to see what’s on?”
Chris slides back down the bed into his nest of soft pillows so Joey takes the remote from its holder and begins to switch through channel after channel. He stops when he reaches a dubbed version of a Road Runner cartoon, looking at Chris to see if he approves, then feels anger shoot through him again when he sees Chris has his eyes closed, cheek resting on his open hand.
“Calm down and lie next to me.” Chris doesn’t open his eyes as he speaks, just pats the space next to him.
“How…”
“I can feel you bristling, now come on, lie down.” Chris opens one eye and glares as best he can.
“He had no right, Chris.” Wriggling so he’s stretched out next to Chris, Joey clenches his fists again and imagines pummeling Lou over and over. “You looked fine as you were. He’s just a controlling bastard.”
“Maybe, but he’s the bastard that’s paying for all this. Anyway, when I have my movie star smile you’ll be jealous.”
“In your dreams, Kirkpatrick.” Joey laughs, just as he knows Chris wants him too, but the laughter can’t drive away how pale Chris looks, or the memory of how Chris had stared at himself in the mirror when he thought no one was looking, gently touching the metal attached to his teeth, shoulders slumped before Justin came into the room and Chris pasted on a smile and loudly proclaimed how cool he looked. That memory is too raw and Joey is keeping it in his reasons I hate Lou mental file.
“I’ll be fine.” Chris looks more relaxed as the painkillers kick in, so Joey pulls the comforter over him. Then carefully strokes Chris’ cheek, as he turns down the TV.
Joey stays awake all night, supplying painkillers and comfort. In the morning he hates Lou more than ever.
~*~*~*~
I’m not going to die, it just feels that way. Joey lets go of JC’s hands, muscles aching as he bends over, gasping for breath.
“Joey, JC, Justin. Take a break. I’m going to work on the flip with Chris and Lance.”
Waving his hand in acknowledgement, Joey stands still until his breathing returns to normal. Then groaning theatrically he straightens, walking on rubbery legs to his bag with a detour to gently bop JC and Justin across the head as they practice dance steps. Joey firmly believes anyone that practices when they don’t need to deserve all they get.
Duty done, Joey lowers himself to the floor next to his bag, rummaging in it for his water and candy bar. Bottle open, Joey takes a long drink, then lets his head fall back against the wall, eyes half closed as he watches Lance and Chris.
The choreographer is explaining the flip to Lance, demonstrating by flipping Chris over, time and time again, until Chris complains of being dizzy. Lance looks dubious and Joey understands; flipping JC had been scary. Chris whispers something in Lance’s ear, winking at him before patiently standing still as Lance and the choreographer change places.
Justin and JC stop practicing, and Lance has to know that every eye is on him as he takes a breath loud enough for Joey to hear, then lets Chris kick over his head before reaching for his hands and quickly flipping him over. The move is greeted with claps and whistles, and Lance blushes as Chris jumps at him, loudly shouting he knew Lance could do it.
It’s a big deal for Lance who’s been worrying about the move since it was suggested and Joey’s happy for him. But he can’t help the flash of jealousy that consumes him when he sees Chris dancing Lance round the studio in some kind of victory waltz. They’re both laughing as Chris dips Lance lower and lower until they end up in a pile on the floor, arms and legs tangled together. The jealousy flares when Joey sees Lance’s hand is resting on Chris’ bare back, while Chris lies sprawled on Lance, one leg between Lance’s thighs. Joey bites his lip when Chris grins and the light flashes against his braces. Every time Joey sees them his stomach tightens, half anger, half some other emotion Joey doesn’t want to examine.
Joey keeps watching as Chris kisses Lance’s forehead before jumping up, but as Chris runs to Justin, Joey can’t help thinking what his old friends would say. How the scene would prove what a fag Chris is as he wraps himself round Justin, all clinging arms and noisy kisses. Not that Joey thinks like that, at least he tries not to.
The choreographer claps his hands to attract Chris’ attention and Joey knows the flip will be practiced again and again until it’s perfect. Preparing for a long wait, Joey starts to unwrap his candy bar, eating it as he watches Chris.
Lance has hold of Chris’ hands again, but this time he’s practicing changing his grip after Chris kicks over his head. The only way he can do that is if Chris is bent over, hands between his legs and Joey laughs as Chris sticks out his tongue, waggling it obscenely as he looks toward Joey through his own and Lance’s legs.
They flip and Joey thinks that one looks perfect, but it obviously isn’t as they take their positions again. It’s one too many flips for Joey and he lets his eyes close fully, shifting until he’s semi comfortable against the wall. It’s been a long day and Joey thinks a nap would be a good thing.
“Hey, Joey. You in there?” Joey opens his eyes, jumping when he sees JC standing over him. JC’s t-shirt is drenched in sweat and he has a towel draped round his neck which threatens to slide off when he holds out a hand to pull Joey up. “Come on, Lance and Justin are waiting, we figured we’d get showered then hit that café next to the hotel. The one that sells those things that taste so nice. You know, with the yellow bits and it crunches when you bite into it. What do you call them again?”
“Hell if I know.” Joey allows JC to pull him to his feet, feeling triumphant when his legs hold him up. “It doesn’t matter anyway, Chris will order for you.”
“Not tonight he won’t. He’s already gone to Peter’s; he’s gonna shower there then go onto a club. He said bye, weren’t you listening?”
“Guess not.” Joey grabs his bag, then follows JC, determined not to think of Chris with his latest date. Not that it matters to him if Chris is dating; Joey wants him to be happy. But telling himself that doesn’t help lessen the hurt.
~*~*~*~
Cold and damp after hurrying home in the rain, Joey says goodnight to Justin and Lance as they go to their own rooms. Happy and full, Joey strips off his clothes, and hangs them to dry on a chair while JC takes the first shower. A reward for being the one to risk the waitress’ laughter when ordering food with too many vowels and letters from the menu.
When JC finally leaves the bathroom in a cloud of steam. Joey’s shivering, wrapped only in a towel. But JC’s half asleep already so Joey lets him climb into bed without saying anything but goodnight. The frizzy curls from sleeping with damp hair will be punishment enough for hogging the shower.
The water feels wonderful when Joey steps in the shower, and he turns it as hot as he can stand, scalding the grime from his skin. Warm at last, Joey steps from the shower, wrapping a towel round his waist. JC is fast asleep, curled neatly at his side. JC sleeps small and deep, and Joey takes a moment to pull the blanket up, covering him against the cold.
Briskly, Joey dries himself then pulls on clean sweats before climbing into bed. He’s warm now but still shivers when the rain rattles the window, so snuggles further under the bedclothes. Drowsy, Joey’s on the verge of sleep when he hears a thump against the wall behind him. Heart hammering he sits up then relaxes when he hears Chris, no words just the pitch that Joey would know in his sleep.
Chris is laughing and Joey smiles too as he listens to the sounds from next door. Joey can hear low music, Chris talking, then another voice, much deeper than Chris’ own. Realising Peter must be in the room too, Joey fights the pang of jealousy once more and puts his hands over his ears, in a desperate attempt not to hear.
Joey can hear a squeaking bed and constant music and he can just about cope with that. What he can’t cope with is Chris’ moans, so Joey screws his eyes shut when Peter talks. Words unclear but the meaning obvious as the bed begins to thud against the wall and Joey hears Chris gasp and cry meaningless words.
Hands fisted in the covers, Joey can’t help imagining what’s happening on the other side of the wall, imagines Chris bent double, Peter kneeling over him. Can imagine Chris’ hair falling in his face as he’s fucked over and over, or his mouth on Peter’s cock, blowing him with enthusiasm.
Joey can’t stop the images that fill his head, and in that moment he hates Peter with a passion. Hates him for making Chris happy, and hates him for being so secure. Joey bites back a moan and releases the blankets, hand going to his own cock.
It’s seedy jerking off listening to his friend, but Joey can’t help it, just fists himself, matching his pace to the thumps against the wall. Aware of JC, he snatches up the blanket and bites it when he hears Chris gasp, voice much lower than usual. It’s enough to push Joey over the edge, and he shudders as heat flows through his body, collapsing against his pillows.
Joey can hear murmurs and laughter from the next room and jealousy burns bright. He feels dirty now, as if he’s used Chris in some way. His hand is warm and sticky and he wipes it on his abandoned towel then tucks away his limp cock. Joey’s never felt more alone than he does at that moment.
~*~*~*~
When Joey goes for breakfast the next day he’s bleary eyed and irritable due to lying awake in bed long after the room next door had gone quiet. Lance is the only one in the dining room and he beckons Joey to their table by waving a slice of toast in the air.
“I’ve got you a muffin, or they’ve got some kind of sausage too but I’m sure I recognised the word for blood on the menu so I passed.” Lance screws up his face as he pushes a muffin across the table. “I’ve still got the menu if you want to order.”
“No, I’m good.” Taking a bite of the muffin, Joey chews as Lance pours the coffee, then inhales the steam when Lance passes it over.
“Rough night?”
“Just didn’t sleep that well.”
Lance seems to find Joey’s reply funny. “I forgot. You’ve got the room next to Chris’. You weren’t sleeping next to the shared wall were you?” At Joey’s nod, Lance cracks up, and laughs behind his hand as Joey glares. “Sorry, it’s just last time I shared a wall with him he woke me up with his carrying on. Mama wasn’t pleased and went banging on his door and told him she didn’t care if he was having sex, but he had to do it quietly.”
Joey imagines Lance’s mom telling Chris off and laughs too. “He never said.”
“Well would you? I think that was why that barman broke up with him, scared off by my mama.” Lance laughs again, but Joey can’t, he’s too surprised at Lance’s words.
“Your mom knows?” He questions, and Lance nods.
“Sure. She’s known from the start. Chris told her when he told us. She even gave him the safe sex talk. I wish you’d seen his face after, I didn’t think he could blush like that.”
“So she doesn’t care?”
“Why should she?” Lance looks confused and waits for an answer that Joey can’t give.
“I think I’ll try some of that sausage.” Picking up the menu Joey tries to ignore Lance’s puzzled look. It seems his own mom isn’t the only mom to think being queer is no big deal.
~*~*~*~
“You want to go out tonight?” Joey looks up when Chris flops on the bed next to him, then has to lunge for the magazines he’s reading as they threaten to slide to the floor. “JC says he’s tired and I’m not in the mood to baby-sit the infants, so it’d be me and you.”
Hands full of magazines, Joey scowls as he stacks them safely on the floor. “What about Peter? He letting you off your leash?”
“And Fatone goes for the jugular!” Chris fakes an announcer’s voice, before kicking at Joey leg. “Who crawled up your ass and died?”
“I’m tired that’s all, but really, what’s up with Peter?” Joey’s curious. Chris’ been out every night, though thankfully he usually stays with Peter, coming back to the hotel in the early hours of the morning.
Chris’ smile drops and he looks rejected and alone. “We broke up this morning. He said it wasn’t working out. Guess the Kirkpatrick bad luck with men strikes again.” Chris lapses into silence and Joey pulls him into a one-armed hug. Chris leans into him, resting his head against Joey’s shoulder. “I should be used to it by now, let’s face it. I’m short, weird looking, have a girl’s voice and braces. I might as well be twelve.”
Joey feels his whole body tense at Chris’ words. He hates when Chris puts himself down, and hates Peter more for causing it. “There’s nothing wrong with the way you look. He’s an idiot.”
“You going to defend my honour?”
“Anytime. I’ll even shine my pistols for you.” Joey can feel Chris’ laughter against his shoulder, then relaxes his hold when Chris sits up.
“Never mind, like my mom says, there’s plenty more fish in the sea, which is why I’m going out tonight. You in?”
Joey knows he should say no. But knows he won’t. He’ll be going out alone with Chris tonight, it’s not like he has the strength to say no.
~*~*~*~
Later that night, Joey almost turns back when he sees where Chris has taken them, SchwuZ, a local gay club. It’s only Chris’ hand against the small of Joey’s back that keeps him moving forward, and if he’s honest, a little curiosity.
Joey’s tense when he walks into the club, expecting to be hit on at any moment and he stays close to Chris as they push their way to the bar. Chris doesn’t notice Joey’s mood, or if he does doesn’t say anything. Instead, Chris grins at Joey, eyes gleaming as he pushes his freaky hair back from his face, braces shining bright against white teeth, all self doubt gone. Chris is all movement, hands tapping against the bar, hips swinging as he dances in place to the beat. Joey can feel the energy seeping from him and wants to touch, wondering if his skin will tingle if he does.
Of course it doesn’t. Chris is just a man, an ordinary man who Joey’s seen at his worst. But that doesn’t matter- Joey still wants him and that want is amplified tonight when Chris is all sleek sexuality and it’s all Joey can do not to sit and stare.
“Pay the lady then, Joey. Sheesh.” Chris waves his hand in front of Joey’s eyes. “I’ll get us a table, okay?”
Joey doesn’t answer, just watches bemused as Chris squeezes through a group of men, laughing as they say something Joey can’t hear. The barmaid coughs and Joey turns back to her, wondering how he got stuck with paying again. Carefully counting out the correct amount of Deutschmarks he pays then follows Chris, finding him at a booth overlooking the dance-floor.
Chris is sitting in the middle of the curved seat and Joey hesitates a moment. The booths are designed for intimacy, high sided and dark and Joey knows he’ll have to squash in next to Chris, something that fills Joey with both fear and excitement.
“Hey, Fatone. I’m dying of thirst here.” Chris waves his hand to attracted Joey’s attention and Joey slides into the booth, pushing Chris’ beer toward him.
“Here. Not that you deserve it, leaving me to pay again.” Joey tries to look stern but knows he’s failed when Chris just looks before taking a long swallow of his beer. It takes all of Joey’s willpower not to groan when Chris tips his head back, exposing his throat, or to lean forward and wipe the bead of liquid at the corner of Chris’ lips, using his fingers or better still his tongue.
“Anyway, you asked me out. You should pay.” Suddenly aware Chris is talking, Joey removes himself from his fantasy involving Chris’ lips and listens to what he’s saying. “Everyone knows that.”
“Knows what?” Joey’s confused and blushes a little at being caught not listening.
“That you have to pay for me, because you asked me out.” Chris sounds like he means every word and Joey picks at the label of his bottle. He can’t remember asking Chris out. In fact he can remember Chris asking him out.
“I didn’t ask you out.” Joey’s convinced of that but Chris just keeps looking at him, expression serious.
“You didn’t want to ask me out?” Chris pouts and Joey’s belly tightens before he remembers all the hours Justin and Chris had spent in front of a mirror perfecting the expression.
“No, I didn’t ask you out. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t, but even if I did I wouldn’t pay for you all night. There’s such a thing as women’s lib you know.”
Chris seems taken aback for a moment and Joey tries to think what he just said, realising the same moment Chris starts talking.
“Just one thing wrong with that statement, Joey -- voice notwithstanding, I’m no woman.” Chris’s whole body is vibrating and Joey knows he’s about to start laughing any moment. “If you want I’ll prove it to you.”
“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Joey manages to pull the words from his dry throat, thankful he sounds indifferent despite the way his heart is hammering at the thought of Chris naked.
“Your loss, my fine ass could have been yours to see. I’ll keep it for those that appreciate it, eh.”
Shocked at how much he does want to see Chris’ ass, Joey takes a long drink of his beer, letting the cool liquid distract him from thoughts of Chris naked. Hyper aware of Chris’ leg pressed against his, Joey keeps drinking, thumping the bottle down when he’s done. “I’m going to get another. Want one?”
Chris looks at Joey thoughtfully, then shakes his head. “Not for me, I’m going to dance.” Chris stands, using Joey’s shoulder as balance as he edges out of the booth. “Join me later?”
Chris stands on the edge of the dance floor, body already moving in time to the music. He looks all sharp angles and hard lines as a spotlight flashes on and off and Joey thinks at that moment Chris is the most perfect, and the most dangerous, thing that he’s seen. Chris is too tempting and Joey doesn’t want him to be. Because every time Joey looks at Chris he’s reminded that he’s something that he never wanted to be. “Maybe.” Joey replied.
Chris seems satisfied with that and waves before pushing into the mass of people. Joey goes to get another beer. Tonight’s going to be a long night.
Multiple beers later and Joey’s feeling no pain. Slumped in a chair he stares as people walk past in a haze of shape and colour. He’s been watching Chris for the last two hours - beautiful, quick, loving Chris - gathering his courage to get up and dance. To push his way into the circle where Chris reigns supreme as he jumps and laughs and dispels some of the pent-up energy he always carries with him.
It should be easy, just walk over and dance. But somehow it seems like a huge step, announcing that he wants to dance with Chris, and isn’t that stepping over the line for friends? Joey keeps telling himself don’t be stupid, but the seeds of doubt remain.
Joey tries to push them away, helped by bottle after bottle of beer, leaving any doubts hidden under a veil of alcohol. Standing, Joey staggers a little then pushes his way onto the dance-floor. His world turns red then blue and back again as the lights flash and he laughs as the beat of the music echoes through his body. People smile at him, and he smiles back but slips away from any reaching hands or blatant looks, zeroing in on Chris.
Chris is still dancing wildly -- shirt clinging to his back with sweat, head back, arms wide as he loses himself in the music. Joey moves behind him, knowing what he wants and presses his body close, hips grinding against Chris’ ass. Chris looks up and back, smile widening as he sees Joey. Wrapping his arms around Chris, Joey dips his head, quickly kissing Chris’ forehead, then runs his tongue over his own lips, tasting Chris on them.
For a moment Chris is serious, smile fading as he touches his own forehead, then he shakes his head a little, hair brushing against Joey’s neck before smiling once more. Joey’s happy, he likes to see Chris smile, so he tightens his hold and starts to move. Hips pushing, hands splayed across Chris’ belly. It feels amazing and Joey knows he’s hard but doesn’t care, just holds tight and moves.
They dance until Chris gently untangles himself from Joey’s grip, taking him by the hand. “Come on man, it’s late.”
About to protest, Joey swallows the words when Chris tugs at his hand and his whole world starts to tip.
“How much have you had to drink?” Chris sounds amused and holds onto Joey’s arm as he steers him out of the club, something solid that Joey can lean on when everything else seems to be swaying under his feet.
“Not that many.” At least Joey doesn’t think it’s that many -- he can’t really remember.
“Yeah? Well however many it was it was too many.” Chris pulls Joey’s arm over his shoulder as they walk outside. It’s cold and Joey can feel his stomach churn as they walk slowly toward their hotel. The cold and silence, so different to inside the club, hits Joey hard and he suddenly pulls away from Chris, bending almost double at the curb as all the beer he drank makes a reappearance.
“Not that many.” Chris sounds resigned and Joey moans a little, clutching at his stomach in misery. Joey can feel Chris rubbing his back gently and tries to focus on that as his stomach twists again and again until he’s painfully dry heaving.
“Come on, you’ll be okay. Shush, it’s okay, everything’s fine.” Chris is whispering soft words of comfort and Joey clutches at them like a lifeline. Finally spent, Joey straightens, trying to wave Chris away when he pulls Joey’s arm across his shoulder. “You’ll get puke on you.”
“So? I’ll wash. Now come on.” Chris starts to walk slowly and Joey allows himself to be steered along. He feels weak, letting Chris take a lot of his weight, but that’s okay, because Chris will take it. He always does. It’s one of the reasons Joey loves him so much.
“I love you.” The words slip out before Joey can stop them and for a moment he thinks he’s going to be sick again, but Chris just keeps on walking, staring ahead with a half smile.
“You’ve got a nice way of showing it, barfing on my shoes.” Chris smiles to take the sting out of the words, but Joey needs him to know he meant it.
“No, I really love you, Chris.”
“Yeah, I know.” This time Chris does stop, turning so he can look Joey in the eye. He looks sad, eyes dark with shadows as he rests his hand on Joey’s chest. “I love you too, but this isn’t the right time for this. Tell me again when you’re sober and we’ll talk.”
It feels like a brush off and Joey feels his eyes start to tear up. All he wants to do is be in his own bed where he can nurse his aching heart and stomach.
“Oh hey, don’t do this now. Come on, Joey. We’re nearly home then you can go to bed and forget this ever happened. Come on.” Chris starts to move and Joey does too. They both stay silent and Joey falls half asleep, trusting Chris to get him back to his own bed.
Joey hears Chris curse as he fumbles for their room key and feels cool hands on his body as his damp shirt is peeled from his body. Then a glass of water is pushed into his hands, Chris holding them steady as Joey drinks as ordered. Then finally he feels the welcome softness of his bed as he collapses into it and the soft brush of a kiss on his forehead. Then nothing.
~*~*~*~
Pain flares bright and fierce when Joey opens his eyes. Groaning he presses his head into the pillow, flinching at the feel of scratchy fabric against his over sensitive skin.
“Here, you look like you need this.” With a superhuman effort, Joey manages to turn on his side and sees JC sitting cross-legged on the floor next to him. “Open wide.” JC drops two tablets into Joey’s mouth and Joey thinks he should protest that he’s not a child, if only it wasn’t so much effort. Instead he reaches blindly for the glass that JC holds, taking a long drink of water before he lets his head drop with one last pitiful moan.
“Good night?” JC asks, and Joey wonders if he’s being mocked. JC looks sincere so Joey tries to remember if he did have a good night, blanching when the memories return.
“I think I may have done something really stupid.” Joey almost whispers the words. “I told Chris I loved him.”
“You do that every time you get drunk.” JC laughs, eyes screwing up as he clumsily pats Joey’s blanket-covered leg. “Remember two weeks ago? You told that woman you loved her and she was at least sixty with no teeth.”
“I mean really love him. In that way.” Joey makes a gesture with his hand and hears JC take a sudden intake of breath.
“Oh. I didn’t…” JC’s hands fly as if he’s painting pictures in the air. It hurts Joey just looking at them. “It’s just, you were always with the girls, and if I’d known I would have fixed you up with this great guy I know. Not that Chris isn’t. Great I mean.”
JC looks thoughtful and Joey wishes he had the ability to sit up without his head falling off -- he has an idea that this conversation would be better with him upright. “He is great. But. I don’t even know if I’m like that.”
“You don’t know if you’re what? Gay?” JC questions, and Joey can’t blame him for being confused. “Isn’t that a drawback to the whole loving Chris thing? Because, he loves you but he loves gay type stuff too. Chris and his dick are close, I doubt he could do the celibate lovers thing.”
Joey tries to organise his thoughts enough so he can answer, opens his mouth then closes it again, scratches at his ear then tries again. “I don’t want Chris to be celibate. It’s just. I want to do things with him, but don’t think I can.” Cringing at how pitiful he sounds, Joey pushes back the covers, embarrassment giving him the strength to ignore his pounding head and rolling stomach. “I’m going to shower, okay?”
“No, wait.” JC sits on the bed, stopping Joey from getting up. “I don’t understand. I’m not pushing you or anything, but why would it be so bad if you did want him that way?”
Put on the spot, Joey doesn’t know what to say, how to explain things to JC while he can’t even explain to himself. JC seems to see this and fills the awkward silence.
“You don’t have a problem with Chris being gay. At least if you do you keep it well hidden. You don’t have a problem do you?” JC looks distressed at the thought and Joey hurries to reassure him.
“No, not now anyway. I did at first but that was years ago.”
“You did?” JC seems interested and Joey knows he’ll have to tell all or else have JC looking at him all hurt for the next few weeks.
“Yeah. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’d blame my age but Lance is the same age and he didn’t react like I did.” Joey hesitates - he hasn’t told anyone this before and it’s hard to do so now. “You know Chris and I were friends at Universal, we used to hang and I saw him flirting with guys but it didn’t sink in. He told me when we were coming back from this dive. Remember that old rust bucket he had? It broke down again so we had to walk home after our ride got lucky. So we’re walking back, just talking bull when he stops dead like he was going to hurl but he said he needed to tell me something. I thought he was going to say he was getting married, or knocked someone up. Ironic, huh? Then he told me, just said he liked men. I didn’t react very well -- I told him he couldn’t be a fag, then walked off and left him. I was an ass.”
“Yeah, you were.” JC is listening intently, but his hand is stroking Joey’s leg, suggesting he’s not going to punch anything any time soon. “But you went back, right?”
“No. I didn’t see him for over a week. I swapped shifts so I didn’t see him at work and wouldn’t answer his calls. Then mom found out. She ripped me a new one when she found out what I was doing.” Joey stops talking, remembering the shame he’d felt as his mom went from anger to disappointment within minutes. “She was angry, kept asking why I was hiding from him. When I told her, she was so disappointed. I couldn’t even explain why I was hiding, and mom didn’t think, because he’s queer was a good enough excuse. She made me tell her why I had ideas like that, and you know the stupid thing? I couldn’t even tell her. All I knew was being gay was bad because the guys in my old neighbourhood used to say so. Anyway, long story short, she threatened to ground me if I didn’t invite Chris over for dinner.”
“Did you?”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to be grounded either, and she would have, you know that, it didn’t matter how old I was.” Joey rubs his temples, trying to ease the headache that threatened to split his skull. “I wish I could say I saw Chris and everything was fine, it wasn’t that easy. I’d hurt him and nothing would take that back. But we talked and eventually it became easier to take.”
“So you’re okay with Chris being gay” JC looks like he’s sorting things out in his head, so Joey stays silent, aching head propped on his hands. “But you don’t want to be gay yourself, even though you want Chris. You do want him, right?”
“Yeah, he’s not the problem, I am.” And it was a big problem, Joey knows that. “I have to shower, C. I’m feeling rank here.”
“You smell it too.” JC moves so Joey can get out of bed, hugging him before he stood. “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. I’m proud of you.”
“You shouldn’t be.” Joey knows that. He’s done nothing to be proud of except let his own fears rule. “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”
“You came out to me, man. Maybe in a weird I don’t know if this is what I want, way but still, you came out to me.” JC smiles, standing up with fluid grace and kisses the top of Joey’s head. “You’ll work things out. Just don’t mess Chris about, or I’ll have to kick your ass and Justin will piss in your coffee for the next ten years.”
“You won’t tell them?” Joey hates how unsure he sounds, but all JC does is shake his head.
“It’s not my secret to tell.” And Joey knows he’s he won’t.
~*~*~*~
Clean after his shower, Joey quickly dries himself and pulls on his clothes. It’s a day off, something he’s pathetically grateful for. His head is still pounding, even when muted by painkillers and all Joey feels up to is lying on his bed and dying in peace. But first he needs food for his death bed, maybe some candy and chips from the shop next door.
Making sure the German phrases list Chris had made was in his pocket; Joey locks his door then is almost pushed back through it when Justin speeds down the hall on his roller blades. Justin yells as he goes round the corner and Joey covers his ears, knowing what’s coming. Sure enough within seconds Chris speeds past too, shrieking as loud as he can, which is very loud and very high pitched.
Joey feels a blast of air as Chris goes past then thinks about going back into his room when he sees Chris stop and wait for him. But Joey knows how persistent Chris can be. It’s better to face things now than have Chris banging on his door all day. Joey needs to know if Chris is going to punch him out, and it’s better to find that out now.
“Hey.” Chris skates up then moves backwards as Joey walks “You feeling better?”
“A bit, going for some death bed supplies.”
Chris laughs and Joey’s feel his mouth drop open when he sees Chris’ teeth. “Your teeth. They’re…”
“Zebra striped.” Chris smiles wide, showing a mouthful of zebra stripes before pulling at them with his hand. “I needed a gum shield to skate because of the braces. I thought this was the best one.”
Waving the shield in the air, Joey can’t help looking from it to Chris’ braces and back again. “Don’t they hurt?”
“Just when they get tightened, but they’re okay mostly. I’m thinking of getting coloured bands next time. What do you think, pink or blue?”
“Pink or blue what?” Joey asks, confused. He can’t seem to stop looking at the bands of silver that snake across Chris’ teeth so Chris’ question goes straight over his head.
“You’re getting as big a flake as, C.” Chris points at his mouth. “Here, look there, those bands get changed and I was thinking of getting coloured ones, so blue or pink?”
“Erm, pink.” Joey replies, not thinking what he’s saying. All he can focus on is Chris’ mouth so he jumps when Chris yells and does a quick spin.
“Ha! Wait until I tell Justin, he said pink was too girlie. Thanks, Joey.” Chris grabs Joey in a hug, a strange hug considering he’s as tall as Joey for the first time, then slips his mouth guard in as he chases after Justin, leaving Joey dazed and incredibly turned on.
Joey doesn’t get his deathbed goodies; it’s all he can do to get back to his room before he comes in his pants.
~*~*~*~
“You want something?” Lance looks up from his book, eyebrow raised as Joey stands awkwardly in the doorway.
Joey can’t bring himself to enter the room. He really needs to talk to someone, but doesn’t know if he can actually form the words. Lance watches him, looking concerned and finally puts his book down, carefully marking the page.
“Here. Sit and talk.” Lance pats a space next to him on the bed and Joey reluctantly walks into the room, fighting against the voice in his head that urges him to run away, that no one else needs to know. But he goes on and sits, body tense as Lance twists sideward, one leg curled under him so he can give Joey all his attention.
Lance is silent, waiting for Joey to speak and Joey knows the issue has just been forced. Lance won’t let him hide away, not anymore and Joey’s stomach clenches at the realisation. But this is Lance, only Lance, he can talk to him. “I’m okay, well sort of. The thing is… There’s something, and I don’t want to be like that but I can’t help it. And he’s so beautiful, but I just can’t.”
“Whoa, slow down.” Lance pats Joey’s leg, then leaves his hand there, warm and comforting. “You’re not making any sense. Tell me again, but slower this time.”
“I think I’m gay.” The words rush out and Joey waits for Lance to say something.
He says nothing at first and the silence is deafening. It’s an uncomfortable silence and Joey stands, needing to flee to his room. “I’m sorry, I’m going, okay?”
“No, wait.” Lance reaches for Joey’s arm, pulling him back down. “Give me a moment; this is a big thing you know? It was the last thing I expected, I thought you’d knocked someone up, or caught the clap, or something…” Lance trails off, blushing slightly when Joey laughs.
“Nice list there. At least you got the sex part right.” Joey feels bad as soon as the words leave his mouth. Lance looks unsure, as if he doesn’t know if he should go on so Joey apologises. “Sorry. I’m being an ass.”
Lance still looks unsure as his fingers flex against Joey’s leg in a comforting rhythm. “I don’t know what to say. You know I’ll support you whatever, right? And I don’t have a problem with you liking men like that. It’s just; it’s a bit sudden isn’t it?”
“Not really. Well I guess the wanting to have sex with him side is, but I’ve loved him for a long time.”
“I love you, Joey, but I’m warning you. I never want to hear what you want to do to Chris.” Lance blushes and Joey nods in agreement before doing a double take when his mind processed the words.
“Wait, who said it was Chris?”
“You did just now.” Lance laughs. “Seriously, it was a guess. I just assumed Chris would be the logical choice, what with him being out and all.”
“That’s flimsy reasoning.” Joey teases, then manages a smile at Lance’s splutter of outrage.
“Give me a break. I think I’m doing great for what you just dropped on me. It’s not like you gave any hints.”
“I’ll wear pink and flame next time shall I?”
“If you don’t mind.” Lance smiles then turns serious. “Really, why didn’t you say something before?”
Joey wonders that himself now and is ashamed for not going to Lance sooner. “It’s just. I didn’t want to feel like this. I don’t do guys, it’s not who I am, who I want to be. Telling you would have been admitting it and I didn’t want that.”
“But you had to tell someone now?” Lance looks questionably as Joey.
“Yeah, but I’ve already told JC. It slipped out when I was hung-over. Not that it helped, I still have to lie there and listen as Chris brings his daes back here and I imagine myself in their place. Do you know how ashamed that makes me feel? That I get off listening to one of my best friends having sex in the next room.” Joel feels his face heat up in remembrance, putting his head in his hands as Lance pats him absently on the leg as he thinks about what Joey said.
“So, you love Chris, but you don’t want to be seen as gay or bi. You have to see that makes no sense. It has to be all or nothing, it’s not fair to Chris otherwise.”
“You’re not shocked or disgusted or anything?”
“Why should I be?” Lance said, sounding annoyed. “I’ve never said anything about Chris. I don’t care who people sleep with as long as they’re happy. Chris is Chris, you’re you, and I love you both even if I do think you’re an idiot for thinking I’d be disgusted.”
“Sorry.” It’s all Joey can think to say and he turns away from Lance.
“Hey, it’s okay. I know you’re mixed up just now. I mean you want Chris.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Chris, have you seen him? He’s gorgeous and…” Joey stops when he sees Lance is openly laughing. “You’re a freak, Bass.”
“You really like him?” said Lance, deadly serious now.
“I do. He’s just…” Joey stops, unable to vocalise just what Chris means to him. “I watch him you know. When he dances, the way he laughs. He looks so happy, and I just want it to be me who makes him that way, but it can’t be. Because I’m a coward and can’t admit that I may be different to what I want to be.”
“Aw, Joey. You should have told me.” Lance moves until he’s holding Joey, arms tight around him. “I know it’s hard but you’ll get through this. Does Chris know how you feel?”
“No.” Joey shakes his head. “And he’s not going to either. I need time, Lance.”
“You’ve got it, but you can’t let this go on too long.”
Joey knows he’s right and nods. Chris deserves to be happy, that’s one thing Joey does know.
~*~*~*~
It’s at times like this that Joey wonders why he ever wanted to be in a boyband. His feet hurt, his legs hurt, even his hair seems to hurt, lying too heavy on his skull. It doesn’t help that Justin flies along the corridor, chased by Chris as they shout about movie dibs and popcorn. Joey keeps walking; thinking about how the youngest and oldest of them have more energy than he does just depresses him.
Movie night is in Joey and JC’s room tonight. Normally Joey prefers it that way, since it means he has owner rights over the soft pillows and best spot on the bed. But tonight all Joey wants to do is sleep; he’s had too many late nights lately, trying to sort out his own beliefs.
Bag thrown in the corner, Joey pushes Justin over the bed, squashing against him as Chris makes a ceremony of putting a movie into the machine. Lance and JC have bagged the other bed, already dressed in their night clothes, so Chris looks from one bed to the other while taking off his pants and sweater, before he jumps in the space between Lance’s legs, making him screech about nipped skin in a pitch Joey’s never heard come from Lance’s mouth.
Eventually, after much petting from JC and sorrys spoiled by badly hidden laughter from Chris, Lance stops trying to throw Chris from the bed and lets him lie against him. Lance’s arm is hooked over Chris’s shoulder, his hand resting against Chris’ chest. Joey knows he’s doing it to stop Chris moving, but still, Joey can’t help feeling jealous and spends more time looking at them than the movie.
“Just tell him.” Justin whispers in Joey’s ear and Joey has to stop himself from shouting out loud.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joey hisses back before pointedly shifting so his ear is away from Justin’s mouth. But Justin doesn’t give up, just slides over Joey’s body until all Joey can hear is Justin breathing. “JC told me.”
Joey’s angry and turns away but Justin seems to turn right with him. “I made him tell me, I was worried, I thought…”
“I’d knocked someone up or had the clap. I’ve heard that one.”
Joey can’t see Justin’s expression, but he can feel his reaction as Justin’s body slumps. “I wasn’t going to say that. I thought you were sick, but JC said you were just mixed up. I don’t see why; just ask him out, he won’t say no.”
“It’s not that simple.” Joey whispers back, and it isn’t, at least not for him. “It’s okay for you. You’ve known what you wanted for years. I don’t.”
“Sure you do.” Justin shifts in the dark so Joey can see his face in the light cast by the TV. “You want Chris. I’ve seen you. So go get him already.”
“I’ve told you…”
“And I’m telling you, it’s as simple as you make it, now go get him.”
“God, Justin. You’re a kid, what do you know?” Joey feels mean saying it, but as far as he’s concerned it’s true.
“I know Chris, I know you. I know you’d be happy together. I might be a kid but I know a lot more than you do.” Justin slides off Joey, leaving him feeling pole axed. The others are still watching the movie, and none of them have heard the whispered conversation. Joey looks at Chris, feels heat shoot through his body when Chris yawns, and his braces flash in the darkness. Joey wants Chris, and maybe it is that simple, all Joey knows is he can’t think of any more excuses.
“Hey, Chris. Can we talk?” The words slip out, and Joey wants to hide under the covers, but Justin’s muted shout of joy helps to convince him this is the right thing to do.
“What now? Luke’s about to meet Han.” Joey almost loses his nerve again, but Justin pinches him hard on the leg and he says, “Yes, now, outside.”
Chris still hesitates, then suddenly jumps from the bed. Joey thinks he might have seen Lance push him off but he’s not sure. What he is sure of is the trio of thumbs up he receives when Chris looks away.
The problem is once Joey has Chris alone in the corridor he doesn’t know what to say. Any words in his head have dried up and all he can do is lick his lips as Chris looks up at him, all dark eyes and serious expression.
“What’s up?” Joey is getting desperate, then Chris touches him, fingers gripping Joey’s arm and it’s like a damn’s been broken.
“I was talking to Justin and he said that I should get you. Because I want that. To get you. I mean, I like you, like you a lot, in that way and I know this is probably a shock but can I kiss you?”
Joey feels light headed when he’s finished, he’s no idea what he just said. Just that he asked Chris’ permission to kiss him and all he’s doing is standing staring with wide-eyed shock. The silence stretches and Joey knows Chris is thinking how to say no, and he just can’t hear that. He did what Justin said, and he failed. There’s only one way that Joey can cope with that. He runs, as far and as fast as he can.
~*~*~*~
It’s raining, but Joey just curls up a little more, arms tight round his body. The wall he’s sitting on is cold and people are looking at him like he’s insane. But Joey ignores them, there’s nowhere else he wants to go. This wall is perfect for now.
“Joey.” Ignoring Chris’ voice, Joey keeps looking at the sidewalk, concentrating on the tiny cracks, trying not to see Chris. But it’s an effort doomed to failure, especially when Chris’s feet come into view, battered sneakers with untied laces.
“Your laces are loose.” Joey still doesn’t look up, talking to the ground.
“Yeah? Well I had to chase after some idiot, so didn’t really get the chance to tie them. Damn, Joey. What the hell were you thinking?” Chris’ feet move, toes tapping against the wet ground. Joey watches the tiny splashes, the slickness of the sidewalk, the matted hair on Chris’ ankles, the once-white laces; anything to stop himself looking up. He can’t face seeing Chris, seeing pity or anger.
“I don’t get you, Joey.” Chris’ feet move closer, and now Joey can see more of him, sturdy legs covered in dark hair, until Chris is standing mere inches away. “You can’t say things like that then run away. You’re driving me crazy. More than I am already even.”
Chris sounds frustrated, and Joey gathers all his courage, knows he has to say something. “I’m sor…” the words die Joey’s mouth as he looks up. Chris is still wearing his sleep shorts and t-shirt, an outfit that’s totally unsuited for the rain. “Fuck, Chris. You’re indecent.” Joey pulls his sweater off, it’s wet through but at least it’ll cover Chris, whose clothes are plastered against his body like a second skin. “Put this on.”
“I told you, I had to chase after some idiot. I didn’t have a chance to change. You’re lucky I’ve got shoes on.” Chris pulls on Joey’s sweater, grimacing as he pushes his arms into the wet fabric. It’s too big, hanging to mid thigh, but in this case that’s a good thing.
“You should have stayed inside. I’m okay.”
“Yeah, right.” Chris gives Joey a look, pulling at the sweater so it stretches as far as it can go. “Like I was going to let you run off after what you said.”
Joey feels himself blush at the memory, every-cringe worthy word seared in his mind. “About that, I’m sorr…” Again the apology is cut off, this time by Chris’ hand across Joey’s mouth.
“Don’t finish that sentence if you know what’s good for you.” Chris waits until Joey nods before taking his hand away and Joey licks at his lips a little, imagining he can taste Chris on his skin. “You’ve got nothing to apologise for. I suppose if we're getting technical I should say sorry for not having said anything back then. It’s just. I’ve been giving you space.”
“Space for what?” Joey’s confused and watches Chris as he obviously struggles for the right words.
“That night. When we were coming home from the club. You said that you loved me, and I said we’d talk in the morning. You never came, so I figured you were freaking out again.”
“You could have come to me.”
“Yeah, I could have. But last time I came to you with stuff like that you looked at me like I was scum then avoided me for a week. I didn’t want that to happen again. I can’t lose your friendship, it’s too important.”
“You wouldn’t have lost it.”
“Yeah? That’s what I thought then, too.” Chris steps away from Joey, expression somber.
“I’m sorry.” The words are inadequate, and Joey knows it, but it’s all he can say. “We should have talked back then.”
“We should have. But there’s no point living in the past. What’s gone is gone and we can’t change it. Anyway, I’ve got a feeling your issues may have lessened.”
“Yes. Maybe. Hell, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know if I’m attracted to men, or just you. Or if this is a phase or if I’m going insane.” Joey’s head is aching and he rubs at his temples as Chris stands still, staring compassionately at him. “I never thought I’d be like this. Have feelings for a man. It’s not how I saw myself.”
“Does that man know you have feelings for him?” Chris smiles and Joey can’t help smiling back a little.
“I guess he does.”
“So has he ever said anything to make you think he’d be mad about you wanting to kiss him?”
“No.”
“I’ll give you one piece of advice then. I can’t help you with how you feel. Only you can do that, but if you want to kiss someone just do it.”
“What if they don’t want me to kiss them?”
“Well in that case…” Suddenly Chris stops. “Damn, Joe. Just kiss me already before I get frost bite.”
As seductions went it wasn’t the best, and Joey was still confused about a lot of things, but faced with an armful of Chris, with his bare legs, sodden hair and eyes that looked huge in his pale face, Joey can’t resist.
“Damn.” Joey said, reaching for Chris and pulling him close between his open legs. Chris fit against him perfectly, and Joey holds him tight, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other tracing along Chris’ jaw. Chris’ mouth opens readily under his and Joey takes full advantage, sweeping his tongue inside, exploring and feeling, the hotness of the roof of Chris’ mouth, the smoothness of his teeth, the cool bite of metal as Joey traces Chris’ braces, tongue running gently over each fixing and wire.
Chris moans into Joey’s mouth then pulls back. “We’re in public, lets take this back to the hotel.”
Joey can feel Chris shivering under his hands, he’d like to think he was the cause of it, but somehow Joey thinks the combination of wet clothes, rain and cold are the main contributing factors. Inching off the wall, Joey stands then reaches for Chris’ hand, threading their fingers together. It feels daring, like he’s giving his own fears the finger by standing hand in hand with Chris in public. Of course it would be more daring if the streets weren’t deserted and the rain teeming down, but it is a step, even if it’s a small one.
“Come on.” Joey holds Chris’ hand for a while, enjoying the feel of their joined fingers as they walk, then pulls away as their hotel comes into view. Chris shakes his head when Joey lets go, but says nothing as he walks past the porter with his head held high, as if he walked in the rain in nothing but an oversized sweater every day. Joey just smiles awkwardly, every word of German slipping from his head as he stands behind Chris, who’s waiting for the elevator, shielding him with his body from curious stares.
Inside the elevator, Joey feels awkward and unsure. Chris is leaning against the wall, staring into space. Joey could reach out his hand and touch him, but he doesn’t. Just stays against his own wall.
“I didn’t want to force you.” Chris says, still staring straight ahead, arms wrapped around his own body. “I still don’t. I’ll wait for you, as long as it takes. Just. Don’t take too long.” The elevator dings and Chris starts to exit, then has to stop when Joey leans forward, pressing the close door then stop buttons.
“Wait. You never answered my question.”
Chris looks confused. “What question?”
“”When I asked if I could kiss you.” Joey stepped closer resting his hands on Chris’ shoulders.
“I thought the fact that we kissed covered that.”
“No, I need a real answer. So, can I?” Joey’s thumbs stroked across Chris’ neck making him shiver with each touch.
“You think I’m going to say no?” Chris sounds incredulous, and it’s the only answer Joey needs. Pulling Chris close he bends down, hands moving to Chris’ hair, pushing his hands into the damp strands. Chris stares up at him and Joey can see nothing but love in his expression, there’s no awkwardness, no wondering if they’re doing the wrong thing. Chris’ guard is down and Joey knows he has the ability to break his heart again, like he did so many years ago. But he won’t do that; can’t do that. Right at this moment Chris is everything to him, and he needs to show him that.
Joey kisses carefully at first, hesitant, worshiping Chris’ mouth as he uses his tongue to explore, across slightly chapped lips, darting into Chris’ mouth and staying there, where it’s so hot and wet. Chris moans, and Joey recognises the sound and reacts to it instinctively, tightening his hold, crushing Chris to his body as he moves them blindly back. Chris is trapped between the wall and Joey, and presses himself lewdly against Joey’s thigh. Joey returns the gesture and they grind together as Joey deepens the kiss, making it dirty as he sucks on Chris’ tongue, feeling the tang of metal as he sweeps past Chris’ braces, the contrast between hard steel and soft warm flesh making Joey light headed.
Finally, sense prevails and Joey reluctantly pulls back. “We can’t stay here; can I come back to your room?”
Chris doesn’t answer at first, and Joey starts to worry before Chris shakes his head, making droplets of water fly through the air. “You ask some stupid questions.” But he laughs as he says it, so Joey grabs his hand, threading their fingers together once again.
“We need some dry clothes, then I think we need to talk, even if it is a few years too late.”
“Okay.” Chris squeezes Joey’s hand. “But we’ll kiss more later, right?”
“Among other things.” And Joey means it, he wants to try everything, but not yet, everything else can wait until they’ve talked. But Joey knows they will happen, and as Chris opens the door to his room, Joey can’t stop smiling, especially when he hears a giggle and sees three hands complete with upraised thumbs sticking from his and JC’s room.
But they’ll have to wait; Joey has more important things to do.
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Date: 2004-02-17 07:30 am (UTC):happy sigh:
Re:
Date: 2004-02-17 01:04 pm (UTC)I must admit that baby!Choey makes me very happy too. They both looked so fantastic then, not that they don't now, but you know...
I'm so happy you liked it, thank you for telling me so.